People were drunk, chicks were half-naked -- it was a typical Thursday night in Denver, but then the opening montage began. Only 45-minutes late. Jaws, Scarface, Taxi Driver, Apocalypse Now, and every other violent, angry film you can imagine were splattered on a gianormous movie screen. And then Charlie and his lone guitar player took the stage. He opened with a warning to the media to get our stories straight and report the truth, so here we go.

Angry, bitter Charlie Sheen started, as all men who are jilted by porn stars do, by advising us how terrible his ex-wives' lady-parts smelled. "Do you know that smell?" he asked. "If you do, you've been married." This was very nearly apropos of nothing, mind you -- and it was only the beginning. Sheen proceeded to rant for about 45 minutes about tonight in Denver, his 18th show on his tour, being all about closure.

This, of course, coming after the news broke earlier in the day that Two and a Half Men would go on without him. Appearing in sweat pants and a black fedora, he talked about how show creator Chuck Lorre was a "retarded zombie." Now, like a lot of things Sheen said, that statement doesn't really make any sense, but the crowd ate it up nonetheless.

He then opened the floor up to questions. Women offered to sleep with him, and he admitted not only to paying $100,000 for a hooker, but to anticipating the day when he is off probation and wins his custody battles, so he's free to "invent a crack pipe big enough to handle a 14-gram fucking rock."

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