Pop Music

Hopefully, Fergie cannot predict the future.

You're The Black Eyed Peas. You spent an eternity on top of the Billboard last summer and the label has given you carte blanche for the videos on your upcoming singles. What do you do?

No need for what ifs -- that is exactly what happened, and the Peas elected to shoehorn "Rock That Body" into "Imma Be," (both of which are better than any of the album's previous singles, by the way) for a ten minute run time. Which leaves them plenty of time to set up the video's story, which involves the future (natch), guns that make you dance, and robots booty-shaking to the death.

In case you do not want to watch the above video (which we're going to call Iron Transformers: 3 from here on out), allow us to give you the cliff notes:

1) will.i.am shows his bandmates a machine that will make musicians obsolete. Apl.de.ap asks whether he will still be able to rap, and America collectively says, "Is that what you do?"

2) Fergie storms out. She gets on her motorcycle and crashes in the desert, where she blacks out. The rest of the video, we learn, is a dream sequence, wherein:

3) A giant black robot chases will.i.am and Fergie, riding in a hovercar, back to the city. They lose him because their hovercar is super fucking fast, and they go to a junkyard, where they reanimate those other two dudes in the band and a dance squad. And a giant white robot. Everyone gets funky.

4) The band warps into the city center, where everyone is just standing around AND NOT DANCING! Fortunately, our heros have guns that were probably sketched by a 12-year-old boy. Fergie looks horrible in glasses. They start shooting everybody.

5) Settle down, people. The guns shoot out rings of shiny sound waves or something that cause everyone to dance. In the future, dancing solves all problems.

6) We skipped a few minutes because we were really bored.

7) The black robot has snatched Fergie and will.i.am is riding the white robot and chasing after them. He still finds time to zap people who aren't dancing yet. Thank god.

8) For some reason, the robots wind up in the center of town and square off. The start dancing because, again, dancing solves all problems. It is possible that Fergie fantasizes about a world where the only mode of communication is dancing because in that world she does not constantly sound like an idiot.

9) The white robot totally out-dances the shit out of the black robot.

10) Fergie wakes up on the street surrounded by her band. They ask her if she's alright and she tells them she has the BEST idea for a video. Meta!

We do not want to speculate about what this thing cost to make. More than we will make in our lifetime, without a doubt. Meanwhile, this video continues a somewhat disturbing trend of pop stars pretending to be in futuristic militaries. Notably was Beyonce performing at the Grammys with a swat team and a metal dress, and Rihanna getting all GI Jane in the "Hard" video, which you can enjoy below. Because we can't get enough of that song.

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Kiernan Maletsky is Westword's music editor. His writing has appeared in alt-weeklies around the country as well as Miley Cyrus's mom's Twitter feed.
Contact: Kiernan Maletsky