Not-so-great moments in drunk tweeting

Happy Birthday, Twitter. The micro-blogging that gave the world trending topics and the Fail Whale turns five years old today. While the site might not be old enough for first grade in human years, in Internet years, it might as well have Willard Scott wishing it a happy 100th birthday. Twitter has played a role in political uprisings against tyrannical governments, increased the speed at which information travels and given millions of people a direct line into the lives of their favorite artists and celebrities. But that's not always a good thing...

With mainstream media covering celebrity tweets like it's real news, whether it's a tragic 'unfollow' signifying the break up of a couple, burgeoning social media beefs or latent racism, it's pretty amazing how far someone can stick their foot in their mouth in only 140 characters.

While the window into the lives of our favorite celebrities is now open wide enough that we can all crawl in and hang out, the greatest moments are those most unguarded instances when stars take to broadband after a few drinks.

In honor of Twitter's fifth birthday, here are a few of the finest "not-so-great moments" in drunk tweets.

Luke Bryan turns restaurant critic

Yee oh country world. Join in arms to maintain the integrity of dining. Would red lobster t 103 days ago via Twidroyd for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Treat us this way. Hell no. 103 days ago via Twidroyd for Android · 

No one's going to question someone's motive for partying on New Year's Eve, that's a given, but Bow Wow (the artist formerly known as Lil' Bow Wow) crossed a line by pairing TUI (tweeting under the influence) with DUI in Miami on the eve of 2010. With all the marketing dollars that go into campaigns fighting texting while driving and drinking and driving, at some point those two messages should've nested in the young rapper's brain. To make matters worse, unless his Lamborghini has an automatic transmission (a crime against luxury automobiles), how could he tweet, drive and shift gears all at the same time?

Making it even more irresponsible is that he was riding with Chris Brown and Akon, meaning that nowhere in their collective net worth could they come up with the sense and cents to rent a limo, or at least pay someone in the entourage to be the designated driver for the night...maybe taken the Bentley instead of the lambo? Money doesn't make you smarter, that much we know. We've also learned that tweets aren't sufficient evidence to convict for traffic offenses in the state of Florida.

Lady Gaga springs a leak @ladygaga: "THE BORN THIS WAY BALL: OFFICIAL WORLD TOUR POSTER 2012-2013"

As the storyline goes, Gaga was just chillaxin' with a bottle of vino after a long day at the office when she decided to "leak" her new tour poster for "The Born This Way Ball." The irony of it is that she wasn't born that way (surgical modifications). The other surprising aspect to her "drunk tweet" story is that she might have the most cogent drunk-typing skills of any person - celebrity or not - on this planet.

Most drunk tweets are rife with mistakes like inconsistent capitalization, improper punctuation and oodles of misspellings. Meanwhile, Gaga has an equal number of hearts on each side of her proclamation, she goes Kanye on the Caps Lock key, and uses a colon to separate the headline from the description. No drunk person using Twitter would ever use a colon as punctuation. It's unrealistic. You need the shift button to type a colon, and that's far too inefficient an act for the inebriated brain to handle. Immediacy is the signature of the drunk tweet.

Jose Canseco drunk tweets Lady Gaga

This is what a drunk tweet looks like, and whether or not Lady Gaga sends them, she definitely receives them. For example, last May, former Oakland Athletics slugger Jose Canseco unleashed a barrage of tweets from a casino in Arizona proposing marriage to the reigning queen of pop. He told his followers that he would be her "night in baseball armor." It was springtime. The flowers were blooming, birds were chirping, love was in the air.

The tweet does raise questions, like, had he already told her to meet him in Yuma, or was he expecting her to drop everything and travel there that night (on the 3:10 train, maybe)? Of course, pop savvy children of the late 80s were quick to counter that Canseco dated Madonna back before he fell from grace, so Gaga might've taken interest in the former slugger, since she's tried almost everything else Madonna's done. It might have helped if Canseco had actually tagged @ladygaga in the tweet, then there was a chance she would have seen it amidst the millions of mentions she probably receives per day.

The Game solves a lot of crimes @thegame: "& since I'm DRUNK I might as well tell yall "ILLUMINATTI" killed BOB MARLEY, BIG, PAC & MICHAEL JACKSON.. After this tweet I mite be NEXT"

Finally. After thousands of man hours, millions of dollars in legal expenses, and international media coverage, the mystery of who killed Bob Marley, Biggie Smalls, 2Pac, and Michael Jackson has been west coast rapper The Game, while drunk. We'll all sleep easier tonight, especially Dr. Conrad Murray, who up to this point, had taken most of the heat for the MJ's death.

It's too bad the "ILLUMINATTI" (sic) is such a massive covert society bent on creating a new world order, and will never see the inside of a courtroom (or a jail cell) for the crimes they perpetrated against popular music. Having gotten away with murder, the group can get back to toying with global currency valuations and pulling the strings that make all their puppets dance. They clearly only go after artists of a certain caliber - like legend status - so The Game probably doesn't need to worry about them coming for him just yet.

Blake Shelton will stuff a stranger's burrito

Blake SheltonI'm so drunk right now I just walked into Taco Bell and shouted "Hey!!! You need that burrito stuffed?!!".. 230 days ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

The chart-topping, Grammy nominated country star who's also appearing on NBC's The Voice has a bit of a reputation for inebriated tweeting. While he's blasted out some real humdingers to his followers, including an instance where he claimed to putting batteries in his cat, there is no moment more perfect than picturing the strong jawed Oklahoman three sheets to the wind, wandering into a Taco Bell, and shouting "Hey!!! You need that burrito stuffed?!!" That's America.

It's the perfect thing to yell while drunk - simultaneously sexually suggestive and yet arguably innocent - demonstrating complete disregard both for the person whose burrito your courting and the unfortunate soul whose job it is to deal with drunk assholes late at night for minimum wage in some backwash where there are only fast food restaurants left serving food after 8 p.m. It is the pinnacle of being drunk and successful in America...but perfection could be an illusion. Like Gaga, Shelton displays all the telltale signs of a fake drunk tweeter - proper punctuation (including quotation marks), excellent spelling and consistent capitalization. Say it ain't so, Blake.

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Patrick Rodgers

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