Well, there you have it: The internet is "completely over." That's according to Prince, who told the UK's Daily Mirror in advance of his new album 20TEN (which, incidentally, will only be released only on CD) that the world wide web was "like MTV: At one time, MTV was hip, and suddenly it became outdated." If the artist-formerly-known-as-a-symbol-that-was-formerly-known-as-Prince's conclusion isn't exactly obvious, there's no arguing with his reasoning: "[Computers] just fill your head with numbers and that can't be good for you." Just like the mind-control rays!
Besides getting us thinking about the vast pop-culture conspiracy, Prince got us thinking about other things that, whether they've reached their apex in reality or just in our own delusion, we're declaring completely over.
05. Knitting Remember "radical knitting circles" and "knitting bombs?" Yeah, neither do we -- that's how outdated the hipster re-appropriation of your grandmother's favorite pastime is. Knit a unicorn around that bike rack all you want, hipster girl, but you're just clinging to a shred of the past in a whirlwind of change.
04. Hipsters Speaking of hipsters, those tight-jeans-wearing clones are about as cutting-edge as a fake non-knife implement not intended for cutting. Throw out those Ray-Bans, fixed-gear bicycles, neck-kerchiefs and dance-rock records, kids, because here comes the new wave of whatever it might be that will replace those things.
03. The Twilight Saga We're tired of Stephanie Meyer and her "straightlaced" Mormon-vampire romances, and we know Prince will get behind us when we say that we support turning sexual tension into sexual action. Out with Twilight and in with hardcore porn.
02. Reality Television Like MTV, reality television was a genius way to get high-budget advertising dollars for low-budget content, but that gravy train has reached its terminus. Laugh tracks are coming back like mini-discs in 2010. Also, if traditional sitcoms could be somehow less convenient to find and purchase than reality programming, we think that would help them get back on the bright side of public interest, too.
01. Music Sorry Prince, but the age of music is completely over. Drums, guitars, synthesizers, violins -- hell, even glockenspiels -- these are the noisemakers of yesteryear. From now on, the ominous death-knell of one-million vuvezelas will be the only sound we care to hear. Not only is it soothing, it also helps dissipate and distort the mind-control rays.