Recast: If Hans Zimmer had a clue, this is what The Rock's soundtrack would've sounded like

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Let's just go ahead and get this out of the way from the get-go: we love The Rock. We can't explain it but there it is. That said, we also hate Hans Zimmer with a passion usually reserved for evil dictators and ex-patriots. So what better example of Recast then to add a soundtrack to this beloved movie? This is Recast, in which we appoint ourselves soundtrack supervisors of existing films.

Introduction: Simon & Garfunkel "America" - Here we have epic patriotic sounding music being played as we bury some soldiers. That's all well and good but the plot of The Rock is going to be filled with holes, so we might as well start with a song that's filled with holes as well.

Nicholas Cage disarms a bomb: The Beatles "Don't Bother Me" - Immediately before this scene we see Nicolas Cage get a $600 copy of Meet the Beatles in the mail (frame-by-frame analysis leads us to believe this is probably one of the original Stereo versions, based on the coloration and "Capitol Full Dimensional Stereo" logo it could be ST-2027, which tends to sell for around $100-$150. We might be wrong since we can't see the records' label though). You'd think this incredibly intense scene would feature a song from the album it just mentioned, even if it is a little ironic. 

"What kind of fucked up tour is this?" Motorhead "Marching Off to War" - We see the ex-patriots lead by Ed Harris locking up civilians as hostages and what does Hans Zimmer do for this scene? He has the same goddamn song that he uses the rest of the film. How about instead of using a bunch of string quartets and big drums we use the real deal? "Marching Off to War" is a perfect song for this scene. Also, this is a Michael Bay movie after all, so we might as well assume all over-the top scenes will be accompanied by over the top songs (but we're not conceding to use pop-rock from 1996 here).

The chase scene (you know, with the Ferrari): Black Sabbath "Children of the Grave" - Here's another case of Hans Zimmer not knowing what the hell he's doing. This is an awesome chase scene through San Francisco (complete with cars flying over the hills) with a Ferrari chasing a Hummer, and what does he do? Strings? Seriously? How about we insert the epic "Children of the Grave" to supplement this equally epic scene?

Sneaking into Alcatraz: Bob Dylan "All Along the Watchtower" - It might be our sick taste for irony, but something about playing a song with the first line "there must be some way out of here" while Connery and company sneak into Alcatraz could be beautiful. We're going with the Dylan version simply because Hendrix's doesn't feel right. A reprise of the song would work for the shower massacre scene as well.

The Indiana Jones-esque Cart Scene (complete with "I'm too old for this" line): Iron Maiden "Where Eagles Dare" - Although the entire song wouldn't work for this scene, the introduction would work great as Connery and Cage go flying down a shaft in a mine cart.

Rockets launched at the 49ers: Judas Priest "Judas Rising" - Back in 1996 the world might have actually missed the 49ers, so this eponymous scene of an incredibly deadly missile barely missing the stadium is tense to say the least. You know, tense enough to need a fucking rock song like "Judas Rising."

Ending scene with the green flares: Elton John "Rocket Man" - You know the part earlier in the film where Cage mentions the Beatles and we don't hear it right away? Well, towards the end of the film he mentions "Rocket Man" before blasting someone with a rocket, so really, we as an audience deserve to hear it here. Especially when Cage goes flying sky high into the Bay and Connery goes in and saves him. It tears us up every time.

Credits: William Shatner "Rocket Man" - Just as one last "fuck you" to Hans Zimmer we're going to assign one of the worst songs in history to the end credits, William Shatner's rendition of "Rocket Man." Take that Hans.

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