The recent verbal missteps made by John Mayer and his subsequent radio silence got us thinking about a number of other people who've been vomiting in our ears lately, that would do well to take a cue from him, and STFU. Look, we understand that being a celebrity is probably not easy, but not being a douche bag all the time really can't be that hard, can it?
In honor of Mr. Mayer (who brings his Battle Studies Tour to the Pepsi Center tonight with Michael Franti & Spearhead), here's ten more celebrities that would be better off if they just didn't speak.
10. Kanye West Kanye West has actually been pretty quiet, recently. So consider this a preemptive STFU request. With a new album on the horizon and some new sunglasses in tow, we imagine Kanye will have plenty of self-referential gloating to challenge our attention spans over the coming months.
9. Sean Penn Sean Penn told us (critics) that he hoped we would "die screaming of rectal cancer." We're not really into that idea, and we're hoping he wasn't including music dorks in that equation. Either way, we thought it was a bit rude; we don't make a habit of saying things like, "We hope pretentious leftist actors die screaming of cancer." So why should he?
8. Kelly Clarkson Kelly Clarkson doesn't really do things wrong, so much as she simply thinks we give a shit about what she has to say about everything. She weighed in on the Kanye thing saying, "What happened to you as a child? Did you not get hugged enough?" She even weighed in on Scott Borchetta, whoever the hell that is. Either way, we don't particularly care what Kelly Clarkson has to say, but we're also going to predict she has her own talk show within the next five years.
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7. Bobby Kotick We're aware this one might be a little niche for this list, but we've just got to say it, nonetheless: Bobby Kotick? You're in serious need of some duct tape for your mouth. Whether it's the lovely quote about how you'd like to "take all the fun out of making video games," or, "If it was left to me, I would raise prices even further." Maybe it's how your company just fired two major creative talents, or maybe we're just sick of seeing advertisements for your stupid video game franchises on the TV all the time. Either way, you, Activision, and your billion dollar franchises need to shut up. You're beginning to run your companies a bit like the record industry, and we all know how that turned out.
6. Kirstie Alley We're a bit hesitant to take any type of weight loss advice from Kirstie Alley, whose previous weight loss technique apparently had to do with taking a bunch of coke. We're even more hesitant to take any advice from someone who is known to have connections with the church of Scientology, and who's newest weight-loss program, Organic Liaison, seems to have a little too much in common with the purification rundown. We're not saying Cheers wasn't great and all; we're saying Kirstie Alley seriously needs to disappear off the face of the planet and ascend to alien worlds or whatever -- as long as we don't see her anymore.
5. Brian Ross Brian Ross has a bit of a history in sensationalizing news without "proof." Most recently, he rigged up a Toyota to accelerate uncontrollably. And he's also been known to fudge facts about things like the Christmas bombing attempt, Nidel Malik Hasan and waterboarding. We're not saying we expect real news from ABC or anything, but maybe we'll just watch the more human and highly more enjoyable Brian Williams instead.
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4. Tim Burton Okay, Tim Burton hasn't actually said anything recently that caused us to cover our ears, but he's been making us cover our eyes for a decade. With the exception of Big Fish, Burton has been rehashing old stories and using his same stupid font for everything, to the point where we'd really prefer if he just disappeared off the face of the planet, never to be heard from again. We heard there's some planet where apes are ruling we could drop him off at -- oh wait, what's that? It's...? No!!!!!
3. Steve Jobs Listen Steve, we're well aware that Apple is pretty cool, sleak and neat. We're also well aware you have a massive cult-following, and we're not arguing with that. We think you make some pretty cool shit, too, but you seriously need to chill the hell out. You're getting close to Microsoft's Steve Ballmer range of ridiculous promises. We understand you're selling a product, but if we hear the word magical in relation to the iPad one more time, we're going to buy one, just so we can try levitating it over I-25.
2. Rush Limbaugh Normally, we wouldn't even bother throwing a talk-show host on a list like this, but recent comments lead us to believe that Rush Limbaugh might actually shut up if the country moves toward universal health care. On his show, Rush promised he'd move to Costa Rica if health care passes. We're not going to point out that Costa Rica has government run health care to him; we're just going to wait and see if he can keep his promises.
1. Billy Corgan In recent history, Billy Corgan has defended the LiveNation/Ticketmaster merger, he's gone on record saying artists deserve royalties for every time a song is played, he's even weighed in on the John Mayer thing, saying, "He's trying to destroy his career." In an interview with Rolling Stone, he asked himself a question, "Do I belong in the conversation about the best artists in the world? My answer is, 'Yes. I do." We'd beg to differ, arguing that Corgan belongs at the top of this list, and that's it.