Just when you think the suck factor has been turned all the way up, here comes another batch of songs to push the needle further in the red. Today as the countdown of total crappiness continues. We've got tunes by Kid Rock, Nickleback, Michael Jackson, Sublime and more. Keep reading to see which songs made the list today.
30. Nickelback - "Too Bad"
"It's too bad/It's stupid/Too late/So wrong/So long . . . Let's walk/Let's talk/Let's talk"
Without any context, these lines could read as the transcription of two indecisive meth-heads trying to break up. Is it too late and so long, or do you want to walk around and have a chat? Make up your mind. It's 2001, and pretty soon people are going to realize your band is ridiculous.
29. The New Radicals - "You Get What You Give"
"Fashion shoots with Beck and Hanson/Courtney love and Marilyn Manson/You're all fakes/Run to your mansions/Come around, we'll kick your ass in"
Other than Hanson, it's kind of inexplicable why he chooses to pick on Beck and Marilyn Manson as icons of upper-class celebrity. Even Courtney Love hadn't really cemented her reputation as a courtroom diva when this song hit in 1998. If "You Get What You Give" came out a few years later, you'd think it was written for search engine optimization.
28. Michael Jackson - "You Rock My World"
"You rocked my world, you know you did/And everything I own I give (You rocked my world)"
I know, we all tried really hard to like this song in 2001, but it was a terrible song then and a terrible song now, with no favors done by the lyrics.
27. Snap! - "Rhythm Is A Dancer"
"I'm serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer"
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It takes courage to bet the farm on a phrase that makes absolutely no sense. Singing "rhythm is a dancer" is as useless as saying "the wind is a carpenter." It's a phrase that may score you points the next time you chat up a wicca-enthusiast in a drum circle, but it's certainly not as serious as cancer.
26. DC Talk - "I Don't Want It"
"Respect is what we need to find the cure/For this disease (of lust)/And trust in God above/To shape our lives in harmony . . . I don't want it/I don't want it, want it/Want your sex for now/I don't want it, I don't want it, want it, 'til we take the vows"
Long before the Jonas Brothers were sporting their purity rings, DC Talk created an anthem of abstinence with this 1992 album cut. Despite their best efforts, these Jesus-pop hipsters somehow failed in making NOT having sex cool.
25. Kid Rock - "American Badass"
"And I'm back with the beaver hats/And Ben Davis slacks/Thirty pack of Stroh's/Thirty pack of hoes/No Rogaine and the propane flows"
It's no wonder why Kid Rock and Mitt Romney hooked up during the 2012 campaign: One had binders full of women, and the other had a thirty pack of hoes. And if either of them lost their characteristically luscious hair -- "no rogaine!" -- the Kid is all stocked up on beaver hats. Unless that's another euphemism that we don't want to know about.
24. Sublime - "Date Rape"
"Come on baby don't be afraid/If it wasn't for date rape I'd never get laid . . . He said, now baby don't be sad/In my opinion you weren't half-bad/She picked up a rock/Threw it at the car/Hit him in the head/Now he's got a big scar/Come on party people won't you listen to me/Date rape stylee"
You just told a gruesome cautionary tale of sexual assault, you ask all the reckless bar-hoppers to please listen to what you have to say -- you have our heart-broken, undivided attention, and what is your transcendent message to the world? "Date rape stylee."
23.Led Zeppelin - "Whole Lotta Love"
"Way, way down inside/I'm gonna give you my love/I'm gonna give you every inch of my love"
The whole purpose of a sexy double-entendre in rock lyrics is that it has to work two ways. Love is not measured in inches. So we know you're talking about your penis. And besides, Robert Plant is British, shouldn't he be saying "I'm gonna give you every centimeter of my love"?
22. Sonny & Cher - "The Beat Goes On"
"Charleston was once the rage, uh huh/History has turned the page, uh huh/The miniskirt's the current thing, uh huh/Teenybopper is our newborn king, uh huh"
A very sad and somewhat repulsive attempt to explain the 1960s counter-culter to the squares of Eisenhower's suburbia. Like "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing," the superficial hippie-anthem used to sell Coke, this song was not made for the generation it described; it was a sentimentally cartoonish marketing gimmick that is probably the reason Bob Dylan cut his hair and moved to the woods.
21. Edwin McCain - "I'll Be"
"I'll be your crying shoulder/I'll be love's suicide/I'll be better when I'm older/I'll be the greatest fan of your life"
Love's suicide? What the fuck does that mean? This linguistic turd represents one of the primary criteria used when forming this entire list: lyrics that are meant to sound grand, but have absolutely nothing to say. Also, McCain always sounds as if he's singing "I'll be the greatest Dad of your life" in this record -- and that's just creepy.
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