Oh, man, Lil Wayne releasing a love song -- we live for moments like this. Not so much because we're fans of Weezy (due tonight at Comfort Dental Amphitheatre), necessarily, but because we can't help but marvel at the terr-awesomeness of any rapper giving us their version of musical romance. These songs are often so tragically bad, they make us giddy. Of course we know that there are some out there that actually make you want to hold your lady close... but these aren't those.5. Method Man featuring Mary J. Blige - "I'll Be There For You"
What's the reason we loathe this song? Because without Mary J. Blige, whom we love, it would suck haaaarrrrd! We give Method Man mad props for scoring Ms. Blige on this track, because without her awesomeness, it would never be able to soften lines like "Baby it'll be okay/Now that's real to a brother like me, baby/Never ever give my pussy away/And keep it tight, 'aight." If that's not romance, we don't know what is. Really, they're like wedding vows.4. LL Cool J - "I Need Love"
Let's bring it back a minute and give some mad props to LL and his mad abs. He knocked us out with his lip licking and abs. Abs. Abs. Abs. So it was crazy when he tried to bring us into his soft side with this horrifying song. We bought that LL was in love, mainly because the video was him in an unzipped tracksuit with his abs showing, but the line that kills us? The line that takes our eyes away from his abs? LL: "So you still love me or what?" Girl: "Yes." LL: "Cool." Wow.
When your man goes to the clink it can be a hard haul, so we rather enjoy 50 addressing the heartache and suffering that goes along with being locked up. We aren't completely insensitive assholes, but what we do find odd is that 50 is presenting his utter mistrust of his special lady friend as a love song. Firing questions at the woman who's waiting for you on the outside isn't really romantic. And to be really clear, if someone said they saw you with another woman and then you said it wasn't you? Yes, we would believe them, felon.2. The Game - "Special"
We don't exactly know what the hell is going on in this song. Honestly, at first listen we thought it was about his love of fashion because of the way he name-drops Gucci, Fendi, Prada, and Louie like they're his soul-mates. But after further research, we realized there is a bit of a love message in this song. Apparently, he likes her style and the way she licks her lips so much that he will do anything to make her feel special. Not to be pessimists here, but we've heard the line " I'll make you feel special" before; it's usually given by a creepy old guy that smells of old cologne, cheap whiskey and whose faux-gold chain is tangled in his greasy, taco-meat-like chest hair. No thank you, Game.
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1. Eminem featuring Rihanna - "Love The Way You Lie"
We must have missed the class in Romance 101 about how awesome it is to kick the shit out of each other and then sing about it. But hey, whadda we know. We're into the good ol' flowers-and-booze kind of relationship. We get that "Em" wanted to express the intensity of true love, but setting fire to a house with your girlfriend in it isn't only illegal, it's also not romantic. And it's a little psycho.