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Uncle Luke for Mayor! What's his platform?

It's Black History Month, a time when we celebrate the achievements of African-Americans and their impact on society. With that in mind, it's completely fitting to discover that Uncle Luke (aka Luther Campbell) chose the month of February to announce his intent to run for mayor of Miami-Dade County.

To put it lightly, Luke is known for his "songs about women" that use the most descriptive terms for their preferred sexual behavior. Having taken on the stripper tax as one of his main bullet-point issues, we thought it perfect timing to further examine what the platform for the Miami native will be. We figure it will go a little something like this:

"Ass! Titties! Hos!

You, too, can partake of a fine bitch slithering her apple bottom all over a pole upside down and then gyrating all over your lap while you cling to a soggy dollar bill for dear life...

if you vote for Luther Campbell.

You, too, will be able to go home to your wife smelling like the outdoors and the crack of some bitch's ass with an unyielding smile on your face...

if you vote for Luther Campbell.

You, too, good men and women of Miami-Dade County, can let it all hang out on topless beaches with six of the hottest, most misled eighteen-and-up blondes we can find this side of the Mississippi...

if you vote for Luther Campbell.

You, too, all you voting motherfuckers with high libidos, can create various Girls Gone Wild-styled videos from your home bathtubs, with bitches "raising the roof" and slanging pussy from here to kingdom come...

if you vote for Luther Campbell.

Free lap dances for police officers! Money for rap features in the budget! Better sanitation in the strip clubs!

Uncle Luke will work for you. And you. And you. And especially you. More important, Uncle Luke is for the children. The children of the future, surely born of the hoes we grow today.

A vote for Luther Campbell is a vote for a better Miami-Dade County. A better you."

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Ru Johnson
Contact: Ru Johnson