Van Halen: Is Hagar finally cooler than Roth? Uh, no… unless he really was abducted by aliens.

Sammy. Sammy. Sammy. It must be difficult for a rock star in a rad band like Van Halen to be constantly competing with his predecessor, but this who’s-better nonsense has gone on too long and now… too far. Sammy Hagar has just released his autobiography, Red: My Uncensored Life in Rock, containing ginormous revelations that he hopes will “light a fire” under Van Halen’s ass to get back in the studio, you know, for the fans.

There’s one startling revelation, however, that’s not in the book. In an interview earlier this week, Sammy said that he believes he was once abducted by aliens. Yup. No shit. They kidnapped him, evidently, “tapped into his brain” and uploaded information.

Okay, it’s not the alien story that bothers us; it’s the Hagar ego that’s really rankles us. Out of all the people in this world, the aliens picked Sammy Hagar to examine and, specifically, his brain to siphon information from? Seriously? It’s understandable that he would go a little crazy thinking that he never quite filled Roth’s shoes, but please don’t try to top him on his crazy. Please.

We’re thinking since Van Halen announced they were heading back into the studio (Roth rejoined the band in 2007 after they ousted Hagar.) Sammy felt betrayed. His brilliant mind has probably deduced that old stoners are going to flock to stadiums all over the country and pay millions to see the reunited band perform their greatest hits. It makes sense that he would throw some aliens in the book to spice it up a bit because, to be honest, nobody gives a shit about his experiences with or without the band. We all preferred Roth’s antics and voice. It’s okay, Sammy… it’s all about closure. Move on, man.