Over the years, we've stumbled upon plenty of strange stuff in the Denver Craigslist Rants & Raves section.
But we were still surprised by the manifesto entitled "Dear 'New' Coloradans: Here is a Beginner's Guide to Help You Out!"
Not that the post offers tips about the best local dive bars, the quickest commutes across town or the DMVs with the shortest lines.
Instead, the anonymous author vents in numerical order about dumb things newcomers to Colorado do, from disrespecting the mountains to assuming that every Latino must speak Spanish
In addition, he hurls random jeremiads at people who let their kids run wild, fail to use their turn signal, overload their backpacks or dare to wear fleece vests — pet peeves he illustrates with the memes on view below.
We predict a wide variety of reactions to what follows. Many items will inspire hallelujahs. Others (like the assertion that real Coloradans use the "N" word "when it's called for") probably won't. But one thing's certain: This "Beginner's Guide" is among the most memorable rants we've found.
Check it out below.
Dear "New" Coloradans, (Yup, that means "you" if you have been here less than five years or those of you who moved here for the weed since legalization)
As a concerned Colorado native who is witnessing a massive population influx and demographic shift in my beloved, beautiful state, I feel it is necessary to highlight a few issues, offer some suggestions and guidance, and generally lay down the law for you "new" Coloradans so we can all hopefully get along in the future because things are getting a little out of control right now.
In no particular order we begin:
1) STOP MOVING TO COLORADO — WE ARE OUT OF ROOM!
2) Assimilate if you do already live here. You know how native Coloradans know you are new to the state and are going to be an irritating pain in the ass? Because you are wearing a "Colorado" t-shirt, a "Colorado" hat, a "Colorado" wrist band, your car is covered in "Colorado" stickers and your mangy-assed, unruly, misbehaving feral child is wearing a "Colorado" diaper. STOP IMMEDIATELY. No native Coloradan has ever overly displayed the state flag in such a manner. Stop being so obvious, just dress like you did back in California or New York.
3) Yes marijuana is legal in Colorado. Hooray. Yay. GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE! Many of us in Colorado (including myself) voted for legalization. That does not mean ALL Coloradans smoke weed.
Please enjoy your weed responsibly in your own home as the law states. Walking down the sidewalk pulling bong hits while wandering carelessly into the street, hitting the pipe in rush hour traffic and sitting through 4 cycles of the stop light, and constantly begging for/and or offering weed as form of payment for services rendered is not acceptable and it is still illegal.
If I jump start your car, or pull you out of a ditch because you are a shitty driver in the snow, say "Thank You" but DO NOT try to bribe me with "weed bro". I am NOT your "bro." I am a native Coloradan being a good Samaritan and I don't require "smoke" or "420" in payment.
Stop smoking your weed in public, all though many of us support your right to legally smoke weed in the privacy of your own home, we do not like having the smoke blown in our faces 24/7, and we are sick of our state smelling like a skunk's nutsack.
ACT RESPONSIBLY because right now you fuckers are giving the legalization movement a bad name with your childish and stupid antics here in Colorado. If drunks acted like most of you pot heads are currently acting there would be another Prohibition movement. Please, chill the fuck out.
4) Please RESPECT the mountains! If you are going on your very first camping trip ever, please pack out EVERYTHING you pack in! There are not "forest mommies" who come in to pick up your trash after you leave the campsite! It is YOUR duty as Colorado citizen to protect our wilderness areas and leave them as you found them! PLEASE STOP LEAVING YOUR TRASH ALL OVER THE MOUNTAINS!
5) For the love of Christ tunnels ARE NOT fucking stop signs!!!! I realize that there is nothing taller than a tick turd in Illinois and the whole concept of driving a car through a hole in the mountain is probably terrifying for a lot of you, but there's nothing to be afraid of. Tunnels aren't a portal into some "Alice in Wonderland" bizarro world. "Tunnels" are horizontal shafts bored through the mountain which enable vehicle travel unimpeded. A "stop" sign is an octagonal piece of sheet metal, painted red with a white outline that has the word "STOP" emblazoned on it in large white letters. "Stop" signs are found on poles, normally at intersections of busy streets. "Tunnels" are just holes that go through the rock. YOU DO NOT NEED TO SLOW DOWN AND COME TO A COMPLETE STOP AND HAVE A CASE OF THE "PANIC PISSES" AT EVERY TUNNEL YOU ENCOUNTER- Just drive through the tunnel, they are not "scary" and you will come out the other side just fine. If it is confusing, just remember "stop" at signs, drive through "tunnels"...it's not that fucking difficult people.
6) "All-wheel drive" "4-wheel drive" and "SUV" does not mean you can drive like a goddamned maniac in the snow. These features simply improve your vehicles ability to maneuver in the snow, or off-road, but they do not mean you can stop instantly on black ice. You still need to drive with some aspect of caution and responsibility in bad weather.
6b) The same goes for heavy rain- Why do all of you new Coloradans come to a complete stop in the rain and panic shit all over yourselves and convulse and chant in tongues when it rains? You drive like madmen on speed when it snows, but a little rain hits and you all suffer from complete body and mental shutdown??? FIGURE IT OUT PLEASE- Just slow down a little bit in BOTH rain AND snow and you'll be just fine.
7) Nobody thinks your children are cute. Keep them muzzled in the back seat and for fucks sake never, ever, ever under ANY circumstances take them in to a restaurant. In Colorado we still think children are to be seen and not heard, and your undisciplined, shitty-pants, dirty-faced, mess-haired savage needs a proper ass beating and some behavior parameters laid out clearly in front of them before you take them out in public. That "free spirit" parenting bullshit, and "it takes a village" mentality may be the way it's done in California, but here in Colorado it's not. If you won't discipline those screaming pant pissers I'll lay a beating on them for you, they aren't my kids, believe me, I harbor no reservations at swatting the annoying little cocksuckers.
8) If I see one more fucking fleece vest I'm gonna administer some random ass-beatings.
9) When you take short half-mile hike on well-maintained, paved path with a parking lot with toilet facilities and picnic pavilions YOU DON'T NEED A FUCKING FRAME BACKPACK, FLARE GUN, AND AN IDITAROD DOG TEAM. It's a fucking paved path you candy asses! Take a bottle of water and go. REAL Coloradans can go 10 miles into the back country above 11,000 ft. with a bottle of water, piece of beef jerky and pocket knife, no map, no trail, no "safety signs" and come back alive a few hours later completely unscathed by the hike. What the hell do you wimps need 400 pounds of survival gear for to walk around the lake at Wash Park for??? Harden the fuck up if you're gonna live here!
10) Learn how to fucking park in the mountains! Every week the problem gets worse and worse. The Rocky Mountains are enormous and span thousands of squares miles within the state of Colorado- Everybody DOES NOT have to go to the same trail on the same fucking day and clog every route in and out with their fucked up Subarus covered in "Colorado" stickers that are improperly or illegally parked all over the shoulders of the already narrow mountain roads, causing a clusterfuck for us native Coloradans who are trying to get from Point A to Point B. I would highly suggest and fully encourage all of you "new" Coloradans to invest in a quality atlas of the state of Colorado so you dumbshits can realize that there are plenty of easily accessible mountain areas to visit, not just Gray's Peak and Guanella Pass...Then again, reading an atlas would require some amount of personal initiative, intelligence and concentration as well as analytical skills and a sense of direction, and when you're stoned out of your mind 24/7 that is impossible. So fuck it!
11) Use your turn signals when changing lanes. It's not that hard you assholes.
12) In Colorado, especially outside of the metro area many native Coloradans still wave at passing vehicles on the lonely back roads. It is Colorado etiquette to return the wave with a nod and smile, not to flip the person off and scream "Fuck you asshole! Are you steppin?" That is California and New York behavior, not Colorado behavior, and it is not welcome or wanted in our state. Believe it or not, before all of you high-strung, intense, angry city assholes from the coasts moved here and brought your anger and hatred with you, Colorado was a happy, mellow place, Many of us would like to see that return but we need you all to drop the attitudes at the border when you move here.
13) Colorado has a huge Hispanic population. Please do not try to be politically correct by attempting to talk to them all in Spanish. Many of Colorado's Hispanic families have been here since the early 1800's and these families have been highly influential in the history of our great state. They speak English and aren't "Mexicans" who are your servants that you need to talk down to. Pack your high and mighty, arrogant (and ignorant) patronizing political correctness up your ass and treat them like the perfectly normal human beings they are, not "exotic Hispanic novelties" that you can write home about. There is nothing more pathetic and stupid than watching a politically correct pansy mangle the Spanish language while trying to talk to someone who speaks English just fine. STOP.
14) AGAIN, CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN. Just reiterating a point made previously.
15) If you somehow get lost on the way to the latest "hip bistro" and find yourself in a cowboy bar, DO NOT try to fit in by loading the jukebox up with Luke Bryan. You're likely to find yourself on the receiving end of a stout man's fist and another's boot heel. Your east and west coast conceptions of what it "country" are incorrect. As a matter of fact if you find yourself accidentally in a cowboy bar, just turn around and leave and go find that bistro you were looking for. Some arugula and an IPA looks better on you than a black eye anyhow.
16) Real Coloradans own guns, fishing poles, tents, etc. We hunt, fish, drink beer, fart, say fuck, use the "N" word when it's called for, and aren't afraid to fly the flag and tell the truth. If it's shit we're gonna call it shit and not dance around the subject. If you are "offended" by anything, leave Colorado and go back to whatever utopia whence you came. We're still "real" here.
17) Rivers and streams and and riverbanks are for ALL of us top enjoy — Not just 10-speed assholes and holier than thou eltist fly fishing pricks. We can pan for gold and use a worm in the same river you fly fish or bike alongside, and my gold pan or worm is going to cause less ecological damage than the bulldozers and dynamite that are raping the riverbank to build your fucking bike path.
In closing, understand that Colorado is a western state that was founded on the back breaking labor, blood, sweat and tears of pioneers, miners, ranchers and farmers. Colorado gained it's strength through industry long before it was the "weed state" and a haven for trust funders fleeing the urban cesspools of California and the east coast. You're welcome in our state, but understand our culture and don't try to mold Colorado into the image of the shit holes you left. If you want that lifestyle, go back home, if you want the "authentic" Colorado lifestyle you need toughen up and take a few lessons.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Westword's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Denver's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Thanks for flocking here by the thousands and driving up the cost of living to an insane level! Three years ago you could rent a nice place in Denver for under $1000, now you can't get a cardboard shack in the ghetto for under $2000. Thanks Dicks! You've made the slum lords rich and fucked over the middle class!