Angry Denver Craigslist Post: Beginner's Guide for New Coloradans

Over the years, we've stumbled upon plenty of strange stuff in the Denver Craigslist Rants & Raves section.

But we were still surprised by the manifesto entitled "Dear 'New' Coloradans: Here is a Beginner's Guide to Help You Out!"

Not that the post offers tips about the best local dive bars, the quickest commutes across town or the DMVs with the shortest lines.

Instead, the anonymous author vents in numerical order about dumb things newcomers to Colorado do, from disrespecting the mountains to assuming that every Latino must speak Spanish

In addition, he hurls random jeremiads at people who let their kids run wild, fail to use their turn signal, overload their backpacks or dare to wear fleece vests — pet peeves he illustrates with the memes on view below.

We predict a wide variety of reactions to what follows. Many items will inspire hallelujahs. Others (like the assertion that real Coloradans use the "N" word "when it's called for") probably won't. But one thing's certain: This "Beginner's Guide" is among the most memorable rants we've found.

Check it out below.

Dear "New" Coloradans: Here is Beginner's Guide To Help You Out!

Dear "New" Coloradans, (Yup, that means "you" if you have been here less than five years or those of you who moved here for the weed since legalization)

As a concerned Colorado native who is witnessing a massive population influx and demographic shift in my beloved, beautiful state, I feel it is necessary to highlight a few issues, offer some suggestions and guidance, and generally lay down the law for you "new" Coloradans so we can all hopefully get along in the future because things are getting a little out of control right now.

In no particular order we begin:


2) Assimilate if you do already live here. You know how native Coloradans know you are new to the state and are going to be an irritating pain in the ass? Because you are wearing a "Colorado" t-shirt, a "Colorado" hat, a "Colorado" wrist band, your car is covered in "Colorado" stickers and your mangy-assed, unruly, misbehaving feral child is wearing a "Colorado" diaper. STOP IMMEDIATELY. No native Coloradan has ever overly displayed the state flag in such a manner. Stop being so obvious, just dress like you did back in California or New York.

3) Yes marijuana is legal in Colorado. Hooray. Yay. GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE! Many of us in Colorado (including myself) voted for legalization. That does not mean ALL Coloradans smoke weed.

Please enjoy your weed responsibly in your own home as the law states. Walking down the sidewalk pulling bong hits while wandering carelessly into the street, hitting the pipe in rush hour traffic and sitting through 4 cycles of the stop light, and constantly begging for/and or offering weed as form of payment for services rendered is not acceptable and it is still illegal.

If I jump start your car, or pull you out of a ditch because you are a shitty driver in the snow, say "Thank You" but DO NOT try to bribe me with "weed bro". I am NOT your "bro." I am a native Coloradan being a good Samaritan and I don't require "smoke" or "420" in payment.

Stop smoking your weed in public, all though many of us support your right to legally smoke weed in the privacy of your own home, we do not like having the smoke blown in our faces 24/7, and we are sick of our state smelling like a skunk's nutsack.

ACT RESPONSIBLY because right now you fuckers are giving the legalization movement a bad name with your childish and stupid antics here in Colorado. If drunks acted like most of you pot heads are currently acting there would be another Prohibition movement. Please, chill the fuck out.

4) Please RESPECT the mountains! If you are going on your very first camping trip ever, please pack out EVERYTHING you pack in! There are not "forest mommies" who come in to pick up your trash after you leave the campsite! It is YOUR duty as Colorado citizen to protect our wilderness areas and leave them as you found them! PLEASE STOP LEAVING YOUR TRASH ALL OVER THE MOUNTAINS!

5) For the love of Christ tunnels ARE NOT fucking stop signs!!!! I realize that there is nothing taller than a tick turd in Illinois and the whole concept of driving a car through a hole in the mountain is probably terrifying for a lot of you, but there's nothing to be afraid of. Tunnels aren't a portal into some "Alice in Wonderland" bizarro world. "Tunnels" are horizontal shafts bored through the mountain which enable vehicle travel unimpeded. A "stop" sign is an octagonal piece of sheet metal, painted red with a white outline that has the word "STOP" emblazoned on it in large white letters. "Stop" signs are found on poles, normally at intersections of busy streets. "Tunnels" are just holes that go through the rock. YOU DO NOT NEED TO SLOW DOWN AND COME TO A COMPLETE STOP AND HAVE A CASE OF THE "PANIC PISSES" AT EVERY TUNNEL YOU ENCOUNTER- Just drive through the tunnel, they are not "scary" and you will come out the other side just fine. If it is confusing, just remember "stop" at signs, drive through "tunnels"'s not that fucking difficult people.

6) "All-wheel drive" "4-wheel drive" and "SUV" does not mean you can drive like a goddamned maniac in the snow. These features simply improve your vehicles ability to maneuver in the snow, or off-road, but they do not mean you can stop instantly on black ice. You still need to drive with some aspect of caution and responsibility in bad weather.
6b) The same goes for heavy rain- Why do all of you new Coloradans come to a complete stop in the rain and panic shit all over yourselves and convulse and chant in tongues when it rains? You drive like madmen on speed when it snows, but a little rain hits and you all suffer from complete body and mental shutdown??? FIGURE IT OUT PLEASE- Just slow down a little bit in BOTH rain AND snow and you'll be just fine.

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Michael Roberts has written for Westword since October 1990, serving stints as music editor and media columnist. He currently covers everything from breaking news and politics to sports and stories that defy categorization.
Contact: Michael Roberts