Ball busters: Five Coloradans who should get the first batch of male birth-control meds

We here at Westword are quite excited about the possibility of male birth-control meds -- mostly because we'll then get to take all the rubbers people no longer need and wear them on our heads like that old "condom hat" routine Howie Mandel used to do. Seriously, that bit never got old.

What? The male birth-control shot still needs to undergo more testing before it's released? No problem -- because we know five past and present Coloradans who'll be perfect guinea pigs. In fact, don't even bother asking them: It's best just to slip the stuff in their drinks without them noticing. Trust us, these are dudes who should not be procreating under any circumstances. Sure, there may be a few harmful side effects from the experimental drugs, but considering the caliber of the guys involved, in this case we'll look the other way.

Travis Henry

Remember this guy? The Broncos running back who's fathered at least eleven children among ten women? The dude who gets busted for cocaine distribution when he's not busy failing to pay child support? We think this guy should be on birth control. We'll leave it up to you to figure out why.

Michael Karolchyk

Yes, we know that the superhuman ego known as Michael Karolchyk is reportedly heading off to California to re-launch his controversial "No Chubbies" marketing campaign now that the IRS has shut down his Anti-Gym operation here -- because Karolchyk clearly thought paying taxes was for pussies. Before he goes, though, we should get this meathead on the pill as a nice gesture to all 36.7 million Californians who'll have to deal with him.

Dave Schultheis

Republican state Senator David Schultheis recently voted against a bill to require HIV tests for pregnant women, explaining in that classy way of his that he thought the women (and also their children) should have to face the "negative consequences" of their "sexual promiscuity." You might think, therefore, it would make sense to keep this fellow off birth control -- you know, so he, too, could face the "negative consequences" of his "sexual promiscuity" and all. Then again, that would mean there'd be some new kids out there with Schultheis as their father -- and that's a "negative consequence" we wouldn't wish on anybody.

Fred Phelps

We know, we know: Fred Phelps -- crazy-ass pastor of the hate-mongering, homophobic Westboro Baptist Church -- lives in Topeka, Kansas. But that's sorta close to Colorado, and he stops by here every now and then to picket soldier funerals and do other downright terrible things. We think it should be our duty as Coloradans to peg him in the ass with a birth-control dart next time he comes through. God will surely thank us.

Ted Haggard

This one's actually a joke. Ted Haggard, former Colorado Springs evangelical preacher, doesn't need to go on male birth control because... wait for it, wait for it... he only has sex with male prostitutes! Ba-dum-ching!

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