You figured former Fort Collins residentRichard Heene was a little off
after that wholeBalloon Boy hoax
thing that got alittle bit of attention
a while back, right?
But the way he's pimping his latest money-making plan, the Bear Scratch, is so off-the-charts loony that it makes his previous schemes seem sane by comparison -- almost. See video proof below.
The Bear Scratch is essentially a piece of (probably simulated) wood that mounts to a wall with a pair of brackets, allowing anyone with a hard-to-reach itch to rub against it à la Baloo in The Jungle Book. Richard demonstrates its use in the following photo, which also features one of his kids: The younger Heene looks too old to be Balloon Boy Falcon, so it's probably either Bradford or Ryo:
Also included is the following description from the site's "About Us" section:
Richard and Mayumi Heene founded Bear Scratch LLC in October 2010 in Bradenton, Florida. They decided to move forward with Richard's inventions so that people can reap the benefits. Most of Richard's inventions are geared to help making life easier for people or to save human lives.
The Heenes live by the standards of "The Laws of Attraction." By putting "good" out into the electromagnetic shell of the earth, "good" will come back.
Bear Scratch (trademark) is the beginning of a new venture to offer people 100's of up coming very cool gadgets in the future.
LIFE: All humans need 4 basics to stay alive and to move forward: GAS, FOOD, AND LODGING. oh and a good Bear Scratch (trademark). You can't match the scratch!
Wacky? Sure. But far more disturbing is the video Heene put together, in which he spits out crazed verbiage like a hyperactive huckster on a Red Bull drip. The clip goes on for an unbelievably long two minutes-plus, during which Richard delivers dopey catch phrases -- "If you itch like a son of a twitch!" -- and does modified pole dances capable of triggering anyone's gag reflex. He also declares that for every pre-Thanksgiving order of a Bear Scratch -- for just $19.99 apiece, or $29.99 for two! -- he'll donate a super-generous 5 percent of the total to the Salvation Army.
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The shocking conclusion? Richard bellows to an off-screen Mayumi, who dutifully backed up his fictional tales of an airborne Falcon for as long as she could, "Honey, I don't need you anymore! I can do it myself!"
Look below to see the video:
More from our Colorado Crimes archive: "Balloon Boy dad Richard Heene's latest TV appearance nearly causes more vomiting."