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Britney Bombs, September 10

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Here's a brief look at some of the items America is desperate to learn about today:

General Petraeus The general leading the U.S. war effort in Iraq testifies before Congress, reporting that we may be able to withdraw 30,000 troops by next summer. At that rate we should be out of Iraq entirely by the end of 2010 or so. Unless there’s another surge, of course.

Britney Bombs Britney Spears continues her downward spiral by completely melting down during her MTV Video Music Awards performance. Reportedly she stumbled through her lip-synching, stopping entirely at one point, danced lethargically and showed off an impressive new gut. Sounds like she’s channeling the spirit of Elvis in his later years.

Tell Me You Love Me A new HBO series that focuses on sex. Unlike previous HBO sex-centric shows, this one actually shows the sex, which may explain the interest. What is unexplained is why they would bother Googling for a mediocre show that shows a bit of sex, when they can just search out any of the billions of hours of actual porn easily accessible online.

Jane Wyman The actress Jane Wyman is dead at age 93. She was best known for roles on Falcon Crest and for losing out on starring role as First Lady, a role that later went to Nancy Reagan, who played it far more shrilly and hatefully than Wyman would have.

Kevin Everett Backup Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett remains hospitalized with a spinal cord injury suffered in a collision during yesterday’s game against the Denver Broncos. – Cory Casciato

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