1-1 2-0 Broncos host the New Orleans Saints on Sunday at Invesco, which means the Broncos' defense, not an impressive bunch thus far, will have to slow down Saints running back Reggie Bush, whose less-than-mind-blowing stats don't account for his always-available game-breaking potential.
Here are five ways the Broncos can slow down Bush:
5. Linebacker DJ Williams Having moved from middle to outside linebacker, Williams' speed will help the Broncos' squash screens, sweeps, swing passes, and other outside plays the Saints could employ to make use of Bush's speed.
4. A cheetah
Like Williams, cheetahs are known to be pretty fast, topping out at 70 MPH, almost as fast as Bush himself. To make use of the cheetah's quickness, the Broncos' locker-room attendant should
stitch gazelle meat into tape a picture of a gazelle onto Bush's pants. (Cheetahs hunt by sight, not scent; who knew?).
3. In-N-Out in the locker room Bush hails from San Diego, a southern California city known for producing NFL running backs, illegal immigrants and other freakishly agile species. Of course, SoCal is one of the few regions in the country that features the heavenly fast-food chain In-N-Out, whose Double Double has been known to distract even the most focused of men. (I once missed half a bachelor party taking a cab -- a cab! -- to an In-N-Out in Las Vegas. The funniest part: There were about seven cabs in the drive-thru line when I got there). Get In-N-Out in the locker room and there's no way a SoCal kid could resist.
2. Kim and Kourtney Kardashian It will take more than just Kim, the reality-TV star who Bush has been dating since 2007, to distract Reggie. After at least nine months with her, the laws of man suggest that Bush has been tuning her out since at least February. But a skanky TV-star girlfriend and her hot sister? That can get a dude to forget a blocking assignment.
1. Large stacks of money Even better: Large stacks of money held by agents. -- Joe Tone