So I wrote a little ditty yesterday about cities to which I'd like to see Jay Cutler get traded, because I think Jay Cutler needs to learn a little lesson about the grass and its greenness. He thinks it's greener on the other side. I think it won't be that green if the other side turns out to be, say, Oakland.
I also wrote that blog because don't like his face. But mostly it was the green-grass thing.
Anyway, my top fantasy destination was Buffalo, which is a city in New York. I didn't select Buffalo because I think it's some sort of shithole; I selected it because I thought Jay Cutler being teamed with Terrell Owens would quite possibly be the most disastrous quarterback-receiver tandem in the history of organized football, and that it would give us all a pretty good laugh. The other thing is, Buffalo is kind of a shithole. No! Just kidding. It's lovely. But it is kind of small (less than half the size of Denver) and economically depressed and a little Rust Belt-y, which is fine! But Cutler likes to own swank downtown condos and go to fancy one-word clubs like Spill, and it doesn't seem like he'd fit in in such a (lovably!) modest locale such as Buffalo.
Well, this was a mistake, bringing innocent Buffalo into my sadistic Cutler fantasies. Because now everyone in Buffalo is calling Denver very mean names. I'm repeating them here in hopes of sparking a regular ole' my-city-is-better-than-yours battle, replete with fabricated statistics and, if we're lucky, some subtle racism. So, here we go. According to some very angry Buffalanders:
- Denver is "scuzzy hippie friendly. Have fun with those all stars you micro brew sipping Jerry Garcia lovin' fruits. It must reek of patchouli at Mile High Stadium or whatever it may be called these days."
- "Cutler should stay in Denver, where he fits in with a bunch of cry babies."
- "Your city sucks and you live in the mid west.....have fun banging your sheep"
- "You live in Denver moron, I am CERTAIN there are more bars on Chippewa Street in downtown B-Lo than you have in your entire city."
- "Here in the east we don't care about Denver. You don't matter to the rest of the country. So stop acting like you are a big city in this country! Denver has more crime and less bars than Buffalo. Have fun with your smog filled city!"
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- "Joe nice pic on facebook. You like like a 13 year old boy."
- "Hey Denver, you don't matter! We live in the Northeast. Anything west of Chicago is farm country until you hit Vegas."
- an average sunday of a denveronian:
wake up at 10 breakfast at bob evans shopping at best buy. lunch at applebees. watch broncos lose to brutal AFC west rival dinner at the red lobster dessert at friendlys. after dessert drinks at TGIFridays while watching the avalanch blow yet another 3rd period lead. bed time at midnight.
what a town!!!!! i mean, its full of chain restaurants, bad football players, pollution, corrupt government, and gang violence. congrats denver.
Are you going to take that, Denver?! Probably! But if you don't want to take it, use the comment section below to tell Buffalo how you went there once and were totally unimpressed. We'll be sure to send your comments to a radio show or newspaper columnist in Buffalo. With any luck our respective mayors will be placing a wacky bet the next time the Bills and Broncos play, and someone will end up getting their head shaved on morning television.