The great parts of this slam-piece from the December 14, 1934 Eagle Valley Enterprise aren't the horrible, blatant lies about cannabis, but the wonderfully antiquated expressions and terms for ganja.
The syndicated article has a dateline of New York, where "narcotic authorities" recently uncovered "the raw material for 1,000,000 'reefers'. Why, what's a reefer, you may be asking? Well, palooka, we're going to tell you!
"This is the slang term, used by addicts, to describe the innocent-looking cigarettes made from the lethal Mexican plant."
That's right, lethal! And you should be scared, friend. Yes, you! Because there's more of it (gasp!). Yes, this bust was just a "mere drop in the huge bucket of marihuana dissemination." You see, this stuff is going to soon be moving into your town because anyone can make the "Mary Warner"!
"If you craved cocaine or heroin, the only way you could get it would be to buy it surreptitiously from a peddler. But marihuana can easily and cheaply be made by almost anyone. 'Mary Warner,' as it is known along the waterfronts will grow in window boxes, backyards, any patch of earth.
"Therein lies the grimness of the situation."
And it is grim, friends. The marihuana has terrible, terrible effects even if you smoke just one "maggie":
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Yes, a kiss will last forever!
Wait, that was a bad thing? Too bad that is pure fantasy. The world would be a much happier (and smooch-filled) place otherwise.
Strangely, the author is oddly realistic (and, some would say, prophetic) about one thing: the government's chances for regulating the plant:
"The campaign will be prosecuted with an intensity that no similar past crusade has known. And it will probably fail. Almost inevitably it must do so." Have a tip? Send it to email@example.com.