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Carpet Skates, August 27

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Here's a brief look at some of the items America is desperate to learn about today:

Carpet skates A fun new way to suffer traumatic head injuries! Carpet skates apparently let you slide across carpeted floors like you do in socks over hardwood. Thank god they didn’t have these when I was a kid, I suffered enough blows to the head as things were.

Travis Henry The Broncos’ hoped-for savior at running back is in the news this week for his exploits off the field as it was widely reported he’s fathered nine children from nine different women. If he can manage two more, some team will be able to field an all-Henry offense in about twenty years.

Owen Wilson hospitalized America can’t get enough celebrity news, especially when it’s bad. Ranking in at number three in the top searches (along with another four or five spots in the top twenty), people are apparently frantic to get the dirt on Owen Wilson’s alleged suicide attempt. Good thing nothing truly important happened today, like the attorney general resigning, or people might have missed it.

Alberto Gonzales The attorney general has finally resigned after months of intense pressure over alleged misdeeds and incompetence. Why did it take so long? My bet is he was waiting for some big celebrity news shenanigan (see item above) to grab the nation’s attention before stepping down. For some context, this ranked at number 22 in the top searches...

Call of Duty 4 beta The public beta for one of the most-anticipated games of the year opens today. Xbox Live subscribers will get to shoot the hell out of each other with modern weapons months before the rest of the world, if they can snag one of the coveted slots. It’s probably already too late, but that’s OK. You should be playing BioShock anyway. – Cory Casciato

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