Colie and the Gang

As I watched Episode 3 of The Real World: Denver, one thought repeatedly ran through my mind: Where do the producers find these people who are legally old enough to drink -- yet retain the emotional and social capacity of a seventh-grader?

Although Tyrie, Davis, Brooke and Stephen haven't done anything -- yet -- that would to warrant them being sent back to the hell of junior high, Colie, Jenn and Alex are a different story.

Let's review:

Last week, Colie hooked up with Alex and expressed disappointment that he didn't join her for "a sleepover party." Alex confessed he'd "rather make out with Jenn," and boy, did he ever -- they wound up getting intimate in the guest room. This was after Colie caught them downstairs together, because they forgot to take their pizza out of the oven and the timer woke her up.

This week's episode begins the morning after. Waking up in the guest room, Jenn and Alex can't remember who turned off the oven and rescued the pizza. They both have a bad feeling that it was Colie.

Meanwhile, Colie comes downstairs and is disgusted to find a mess in the kitchen. She opines that Alex and Jenn were "acting like drunken idiots" the night before. Jenn feels awful because Colie is her best friend in the house -- she knows this after only 36 hours -- and she would "never do something like that" to a friend. Um, except for when she's really drunk and the guy is really cute. But in the confessional, Jenn says she was too drunk to know what was happening and didn't really want to sleep with Alex.

Hmm, isn't that called date rape?

Whatever, Jenn proceeds to behave the only way she can: She avoids Colie like the plague.

But Colie corners Jenn in the one place from which there is no escape: the shower. While Jenn is attempting to wash away her sins, Colie enters the bathroom (which has marvelous frosted glass in an abstract mountain shape -- how appropriate) and asks Jenn if that's a hickey on her neck. "Who gave it to you? Did Alex give it to you?" With nowhere to hide, Jenn has to own up to her skankiness. Crying and sorrowful apologies follow.

Alex isn't apologizing for any skankiness, though. Later that evening, Colie tries to guilt-trip him -- she cleaned up his mess in the kitchen and everything. (I guess she's trying to show him what a great wife she'd make.) She tells Alex that if she were to be with someone in the house, it would be him. He responds in kind. They make out. Then Colie extracts a pact from Alex: "We won't hook up with anyone else tomorrow."

I had visions of Colie doing this every night until the end of the season, when she and Alex would officially be a couple without him realizing how it happened.

But here's where things really get junior-high. The next morning, Alex muses during the confessional that Colie had a meeting with "emo Alex" the night before. He explains that "emo Alex" is very in touch with his emotions, loves girls and likes to talk about how much he loves people. This is the first time The Real World has featured someone with multiple personalities ...

And surprise, surprise, Alex says he can't remember the pact because he was too drunk. Must be the altitude. So that night, Colie brings home a "local" -- not a native but a transplant, Nick, from one of the Virginias or Carolinas. She decides he is "model-hot" (no one else agrees) and proceeds to make out with him all over the house. Every single roommate -- even the gay man -- knows that Colie is trying to make Alex jealous. I can sympathize -- I remember doing the same thing. When I was about fifteen.

Throughout the rest of the episode, Nick tries to get into Colie's pants. Brooke -- who seems to be the most level-headed of the girls, not that that's saying much -- threatens him with castration, among other things, if he takes advantage of Colie. Nick leaves unfulfilled. And The Real World keeps on turning.

Now that we've learned a little bit more about the girls, we can begin to classify them along Real World lines:

Brooke: The relatively intelligent, not-quite-as-impulsive, not-quite-so-drunk girl.

Jenn: The slut (duh).

Colie: The overly emotional, I-get-attached-too-quickly girl.

Oh, and Alex, for the record, is the ladies' man asshole.

It's enough to drive you to drink. Speaking of which, if you're playing our Real World Drinking Game, adding to the liver damage this episode are waterworks from both Colie and Jenn (two sips each), another make-out session between Alex and Colie (two sips each) and the make-out session between Colie and Nick (two sips for Colie). The total:

Davis: 0 sips/chugs

Stephen: 0 sips/chugs

Tyrie: 0 sips/chugs

Brooke: 0 sips/chugs

Jenn: two sips for crying

Alex: two sips for making out with Colie

Colie: six sips, two for crying, two for making out with Alex, two for making out with Nick.

This week's worst roommate for your liver: Colie!!

And the overall liver-damage score card ...

Davis: 0 sips/chugs

Stephen: 0 sips/chugs

Tyrie: 0 sips/chugs

Brooke: 3 sips and 1 chug

Alex: 13 sips, 1 chug

Colie: 16 sips

Jenn: 18 sips and 1 chug.

Jenn is still the cumulative winner ... but this could still be anyone's game.

Still to come: Roommates on the job in the mountains (which is bound to be good, since none of them is remotely the outdoorsy type). Roommates hooking up with some natives (not transplants, I hope). More fighting and crying and name-calling. --Amber Taufen

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Patricia Calhoun co-founded Westword in 1977; she’s been the editor ever since. She’s a regular on the weekly CPT12 roundtable Colorado Inside Out, played a real journalist in John Sayles’s Silver City, once interviewed President Bill Clinton while wearing flip-flops, and has been honored with numerous national awards for her columns and feature-writing.
Contact: Patricia Calhoun