Note: This story cartoon will appear in this week's issue of Westword.
Politicians and tarot decks are amazingly similar. Both were created for trick-taking games, and both are largely used by the foolhardy to foretell the future. The personalities of Colorado's most widely known politicians correspond remarkably well to the characters and symbols of the 22 major trump cards of a tarot deck. And, much like the Major Arcana, each of Colorado's major politicians has two interpretations. It all depends on which voter is dealing the cards ...
0. (left) Perpetual Republican Grand Old Party Boy Muhammad Ali Hasan, the Fool Card Interpretation Upright: Passionate, Hasty, Brash, Extravagant, Unlimited Possibilities. Reversed: Unable to complete projects, Easily bored, Overbearing.
I. (right) Democratic Candidate for Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper, the Magician Card Interpretation Upright: Charismatic, Creative, Willing to help those willing to work. Reversed: Insincere, Insecure, Nonsensical glad-handing con artist.
II. (left) Colorado Democratic Party Chairwoman Pat Waak, the High Priestess Card Interpretation Upright: Secret Knowledge, Intuitive, Absolute control. Reversed: Wrong instincts, Vindictive, Trifling, Gets off on being withholding.
III. (right) Democratic Candidate for State Treasurer Cary Kennedy, the Empress Card Interpretation Upright: Nurturing, Educational, Creativity in financial affairs. Reversed: Emotionally needy, Craves the spotlight, Expertly lazy.
IV. (left) Republican Candidate for U.S. Congress, 6th District Mike Coffman, the Emperor Card Interpretation Upright: Authority, Stability, Confidence, Militaristic, Action-oriented. Reversed: Petulant, Cruel, Snob, Obsessive-compulsive patriotism disorder.
V. (right) Republican Candidate for Colorado Governor Dan Maes, the Hierophant Card Interpretation Upright: Problem-solver, Benevolent dictator, Historically significant. Reversed: Unorthodox, Vulnerability, Impotent, Tyrannical mis-manager.
VI. (left) Republican Log Roller Wendy Evans and Colorado GOP Chairman Dick Wadhams Card Interpretation Upright: Right Choice, Eager communication, Party unification. Reversed: Wrong choice, Untrustworthy, Fickle, Frustration, Heartache.
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VII. (right) Democratic Representative for State District #7 and Speaker of the House Terrance Carroll, the Chariot Card Interpretation Upright: Determination, Overcoming adversity, Moving forward. Reversed: Inability to control donkeys, Spinning wheels, Whiplash.
VIII. (left) Democratic Thunderbolt and next Denver Mayor Elbra Wedgeworth, the Strength Card Interpretation Upright: Strength, Energy, Wilpower, Lion tamer, Conviction. Reversed: Unwarranted anger, Control lost to impulses and desires.
IX. (right) Democratic Challenger U.S. Senate Candidate Andrew Romanoff, the Hermit Card Interpretation Upright: Enlightenment, Patience, Selfless service, Industrious, Virginal. Reversed: Secretive, Foolish pride, Creator of tension, Won't give up.
X. (left) Incumbent Democratic U.S. Senate Candidate Michael Bennet, the Wheel of Fortune Card Interpretation Upright: Accepting of all kinds of change, Easy ride, Faith in millionaires. Reversed: Over-inflated ego, Depression, Things go from bad to worse.
XI. (right) Democratic Candidate for U.S. Congress, 2nd. District Jared Polis, the Justice Card Interpretation Upright: Wisdom to do what is right, Fair-minded, Skilled with beer bongs. Reversed: Unbalanced, Overly sentimental, Cold and calculating.
XII. (left) Sacrificial Republican Gubernatorial Candidate Josh Penry, the Hanged Man Card Interpretation Upright: Fresh perspective, Self-sacrifice to bring about real change and effective change. Reversed: Limited perspective, False prophet, A part of the problem.
XIII. (right) Democratic Candidate for U.S. Congress, 4th District Betsy Markey, Death Card Interpretation Upright: Victory over an incumbent, Abrupt and complete change of mind. Reversed: Defeated as an incumbent, Unable to humble and exult the electorate as desired.
XIV. (left) Democratic Candidate for U.S. Congress, 1st District Diana DeGette, Temperance Card Interpretation Upright: Merges impossible opposites, Influential in stem-cell awareness. Reversed: Single-issue obsession, Erratic, Stubborn, Clueless to consequences.
XV. (right) Republican Candidate for U.S. Congress, 4th District Cory Gardner, the Devil Card Interpretation Upright: Aggressive, Controlling, Promotes personal ambition. Reversed: Ill-tempered, Bad habits, Panders to shallow people, Deep psychosis.
XVI. (left) Republican Candidate for Colorado Governor Scott McInnis, the Tower Card Interpretation Upright: Sudden change, Abandonment of the past, Painful revelation. Reversed: Succumbs to self-delusion, Misguided, Big liar, Bankruptcy.
XVII. (right) Republican Candidate for U.S. Congress, 7th District Ryan Frazier, the Star Card Interpretation Upright: Limitless possibilities, A spark of hope in a bleak time. Reversed: Wishy-washy, Overly rational without ideals, Lacks proper motivation.
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XVIII. (left) Republican Candidate for U.S. Senate Jane Norton, the Moon Card Interpretation Upright: Manic genius, Daydreamer, Attractive to howling dogs and crabs. Reversed: Perpetuates fear and falsehood, Anti-social, Manipulative, Potty mouth.
XIX. (right) Democratic Candidate for State Attorney General Stan Garnett, the Sun Card Interpretation Upright: Clarity in thinking, Brilliance in reason, Determined in actions. Reversed: Half-baked ideas, Diminished hope, Refusal to see the light.
XX. (left) Republican Candidate for U.S. Senate Ken Buck, the Rejuvenation Card Interpretation Upright: Awakening, Renewal of opportunities that require real sacrifice. Reversed: Obstinacy, Fear of change, Solutions create worse problems.
XXI. (right) The Honorable Colorado Governor Bill Ritter, the World Card Interpretation Upright: Success, Respect, Perfection, Satisfaction, Happiness. Reversed: Anxiety, Agoraphobia, Scandal, Divorce, Poverty.