Dan Maes: First-day proclamations of the new administration

This is shaping up to be one lively governor's race, what with GOP hopeful Dan Maes suspecting a UN agenda behind Denver's bicycle program, promising layoffs of state workers and an unshackling of the energy industry -- and claiming to have driven 5,000 miles a month in his campaign.

Is it too early to wonder about the direction Governor Maes might take the state? We don't think so.

In fact, we're pleased to be the first to present what appears to be a draft version of opening-day proclamations, to be unveiled at the start of a Maes administration. We were unable to verify the authenticity of the document -- but that shouldn't matter to anybody but the same kind of nitpickers and naysayers who are going after the candidate over such minor matters as campaign violations and old traffic tickets.

Could this be the blueprint for Governor Maes' historic first days in office? You decide:

1. WHEREAS, everyone knows that government employees are parasites on the body public, with no useful purpose aside from guarding our borders, across-the-board 50 percent cuts of nonessential personnel in all state agencies must be implemented within 30 days. This goes double for bean-counters and nitpickers. Remaining employees will have salaries halved but will receive generous mileage reimbursements.

2. WHEREAS, oil and gas production is part of a vigorous economy, and government bureaucrats inevitably bog things down, all laws, rules, and dadgum do-gooder suggestions regarding environmental and regulatory practices for our energy industries are now suspended. Any attempt by the federal government or a certain Ken Salazar (or his minions in the so-called "Department of the Interior") to interfere in state affairs on this matter will result in immediate secession.

3. WHEREAS, fresh air and honest toil are good for youngsters, and too many of them are too fat for their own good, child labor laws are hereby amended to permit any child over the age of seven to work in our state's dynamic construction, roofing, asbestos removal, coal-mining and oil shale-cooking industries--provided, of course, that they are natural-born citizens and not anchor babies.

4. WHEREAS, many senior citizens desire useful employment and are tired of sponging off the rest of us, and many (like my own parents) are not the sharpest knives in the drawer, tax incentives are hereby decreed for any of the above industries who want to put old folks to work, too.

5. WHEREAS, a Biennial of the Americas celebration sounds suspiciously like some kind of United Nations thing, embracing the word "bi" and focusing on the culture of the "New World" (otherwise known as New World Order), any future expenditure of public funds on such claptrap is hereby forbidden. The citizenry is urged to celebrate Colorado goodness, including Olathe corn, Rocky Ford cantaloupes, and Denver omelettes.

6. WHEREAS, the term "Colorful Colorado" appears to promote diversity and encourage immigration, legal or otherwise, the official state slogan is hereby changed to AMAESING COLORADO, reflecting the truly incredible, mind-boggling land of magic and miracles it will become under the Maes administration.

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Alan Prendergast has been writing for Westword for over thirty years. He teaches journalism at Colorado College; his stories about the justice system, historic crimes, high-security prisons and death by misadventure have won numerous awards and appeared in a wide range of magazines and anthologies.
Contact: Alan Prendergast