Dear Governor: Why I should be our next Senator

Dear Governor Bill,

I hear the clamor over who gets to replace Senator Ken Salazar, and I feel your pain.

Opportunists are crawling out of the rich woodwork at the statehouse, stumbling off the barstools on Wazee and emerging from lavatories at truckstops, hands still moist from underpowered hot-air dryers, urging you to anoint them. Folks we haven't heard from in years (Polly Baca? Tom Strickland?) are all in a lather to represent us. Guys who can't even deliver on a simple pledge to plug quarters into our parking meters (yes, you, Mayor Loopy) seem to think they're qualified to pull the pork in Washington.

Governor, there's a simple solution to this mess. Pick me.

There are many, many reasons why I would make a super senator. Here are just a few:

1. As a fresh-faced presence on the political horizon, I come with no troublesome political baggage. In fact, I come with no baggage of any kind. A drip-dry suit and a toothbrush in my vest pocket, and I'm ready to roll.

2. I own no hats. Consequently, I will not throw my hat in the ring. Especially a cowboy hat.

3. Ever since my days in the freshman dorm, I have believed in the party, embraced the party, and labored hard to advance the spirit of the party. Not the Democratic Party--you're not going to get all partisan on me, are you?--but the general concept of party and all it represents.

4. I will devote my first hundred days in office to passing a resolution banning all resolutions. No more Take Your Mugger to Work Day or Laxative Manufacturer Appreciation Week or the rest of that crap, with the possible exception of Free Barbecue Month.

5. I will never, ever, appear in a campaign commercial with my behind to the camera, or with my face in close proximity to a horse's behind, as if daring the voter to figure out which one is me.

6. I will be beholden to no special interests. No interests of any kind, special or otherwise, have ever expressed a desire to make me their hostage.

7. I have no ties to the energy industry. Let me be more specific: I have no ties, period.

8. I have no history of documented drug use, inappropriate political behavior as an undergraduate, garage band demos, videos of myself streaking or singing "Dancing Queen" in my underwear. I have no memory of these events, in any case, probably because I have no memory.

9. The days of selling out Colorado's precious natural resources at bargain-basement prices are over. I promise to get a professional appraisal of the state's entire inventory, from purple mountain's majesty to amber waves of grain, from pristine viewsheds to spangled fields of wildflowers, from bugling elk to endangered toads. I further pledge to get top dollar for every damn treasure that makes this such a great place to raise your children and develop a strip mall.

10. Finally, Governor, there is the matter of our personal relationship, or lack of same. I have never done anything to you. The way I figure it, you owe me. -- Alan Prendergast


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