Dear Mexican: We Americans have been spoiled by such low costs for so long, we’ve started acting as if said low costs were our birthright, which explains why our government leaders have never been in any real hurry to do anything significant about our southern borders. Now, many spoiled, control-freak Americans are throwing temper tantrums over this issue without thinking ahead. (Be careful, because sometimes you WILL get what you ask for, only to end up wishing you’d just kept your greedy, selfish little mouth shut.) Surely, someone has done a legitimate impact study of the volume and variety of the lowered costs we Americans enjoy on a daily basis due to our government’s playing the “indulgent uncle” on the issue of illegals from Mexico.
Conservative, but Not Crazy
Dear Gabacho: There are as many studies about the impact of undocumented folks on the economy as there are Mexicans who say their abuelo rode with Pancho Villa. Of course, almost all of those reports are biased bullshit, whether from the left (anything produced by Latino congressmen) or the right (I’m looking at you, hateful Federation for American Immigration Reform). Hewing to the middle ground, alas, are the feds: They say that if we don’t legalize undocumented folks, we’ll lose $80 billion in unrealized gains by 2023, deficits will increase by $50 billion, and Social Security won’t get the $50 billion illegals could contribute if only they were legal. Of course, a Communist Kenyan runs the White House, so that report is also invalid. So the truthful answer? What your humble Mexican says: #fuckthehaters.
Dear Mexican: Why are Mexicans so afraid of earthquakes? (George Lopez’s television show even based an episode around this topic.) Don’t you people know that here in the USA, we have something called “building standards” (unlike the adobe and Play-Doh used in Mexico for construction)? After the last big Northridge quake, you panochas were so afraid of being indoors that you made the local parks look like a Mexican Woodstock!
Panocha Lover in Huntington Beach
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Dear Gabacho: Pendejo, can we start with you using panocha (“pussy,” for those who don’t habla) as a slur? You had a great question that I won’t answer because of your stupidity. Anyone who uses the word as a synonym for cowardice obviously can’t get any. You want to call a Mexican a coward? Call him “Enrique Peña Nieto” — or “Donald Trump,” if you’re feeling particularly ruthless. Better yet, call him “Panocha Lover in Huntington Beach.”
Dear Mexican: Why do most Americans characterize us as stupid Chicanos? Chicanos are a disgrace to Mexicans, and so are cholos. Our roots don’t take pride in the things these pendejos value.
I’m a Hispanic, Not a Stupid Chicana
Dear Pendeja: While I’m no fan of cholos and have bagged on Chicanos before, it’s pendejas like you that make me want to put on a Bo Jackson Raiders jersey and blast “Crystal Blue Persuasion” from my Monte Carlo. Mexican “roots”? You mean a culture that historically glamorized valientes (gunslingers), revolutionaries and bloody Christs? Or are you one of those fresas who isn’t that type of Mexican, who looks askance at pochos and paisas? News flash for you, princesa: Your Hispanic vendida pendeja kind is the biggest disgrace to la raza since that one chick who said her ancestors were Basque even though she had a big ol’ nopal en la frente.
BORDERTOWN PREMIERE DATE!
Gentle cabrones: I’m excited to announce that Bordertown, the animated Fox Network show that’s like a Mexican-second-cousin marriage of Family Guy and Bob’s Burgers, and on which I served as consulting producer — will make its debut on Sunday, January 3, at 9:30 p.m.! Make sure to watch live, DVR it — but please do not pirate the show…until season four, at least. Tune in, and join the #televisionreconquista!
Have a question for the Mexican? Send it firstname.lastname@example.org.