Dear Mexican: Why is it so easy to escape from Mexican prisons, and why is it always accomplished the day before execution? And why have the proper authorities not figured it out yet? See Madero, Pancho Villa, Luis Terrazas Jr., etc.
Dear Jailbreak Fred: Don’t forget El Chapo! The answer is obvious: Mexican law enforcement and government officials are more easily bought than a piratería copy of Star Wars: The Force Awakens in your local Mexican supermarket parking lot. As for Chapo’s already legendary escape, all I can add is that I still can’t decide whether Dig Dug or Super Mario Bros. is the more hilarious meme for the situation. Oh, and fuck Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto, that pinche prieto cagaleche.
Dear Mexican: I’m Mexican. I don’t mind when my friends ask me questions about Mexicans. But my Jew-wop friend asked me a question about Mexicans that I don’t understand and have no answer to: Why do some Mexican chicks look Asian? Having grown up in SanTana, I immediately thought of the cholas and every Payasa, Tweetie and Shorty I knew and their amazing skill with liquid eyeliner. Several Google searches did not yield any good results. So neither of us got the much-needed visual to help us communicate. So why do some Mexican chicks look Asian? Is it the makeup, his Jew-wop ignorance, or something I am clearly missing?
La Sad Girl
Dear Pocha: What you’re missing is that a chingo of chinitos are Mexicans. Asians have been coming to Mexico since the 1500s, when Filipinos worked the Manila galleons that would unload in Acapulco, and they intermixed with the population in Guerrero, Oaxaca and beyond. And, give or take a Chinese pogrom or a chino, chino, japonés schoolyard chant, the Asian presence in Mexico has never ended, joined in recent years by Korean migrants in Mexico City and the continued takeover of Ensenada by Chinese nationals (their presence in Mexicali, on the other hand, dates back nearly a century). Not only that, don’t forget that our indigenous side came from Asia thousands of years ago — so don’t be surprised when your cousin grows up to look like a radiant Burmese tribeswoman from a Cold War-era National Geographic spread instead of however the hell a “normal” Mexican is supposed to aparecer.