Lists

Eight Ways the Jinxed A Line Could Get Worse

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4. The Great Stapleton Adolescent Uprising of ‘17

Can we all just admit that Stapleton is a giant social experiment to see how long a city can concentrate children and entitlement before it explodes? After all, sweet little tots grow up to be angry and ungrateful teens, and when that inevitably happens — when the density of resentment hits critical mass, and that hundredth monkey of a sullen seventeen-year-old finally breaks the boundaries of Stapleton’s protective veneer — things are going to get nasty. Granted, when the kids take to the A Line platform to head downtown, it’ll probably look more like a high-school rendition of West Side Story (lots of dancing and snapping), but, man, how annoying will that tiny revolution be?

3. A Zombie Apocalypse
Denver has a long relationship with zombies, and perhaps surprisingly, it's not all that negative. But the shuffling undead would play havoc with commuter rail — not so much about getting on the tracks, because there are already cow-catchers on the fronts of trains to help deflect obstacles that might otherwise derail the process. No, the issue with the Zombie Apocalypse is that the walking dead don’t really need mass transit. They walk. It’s right there in their name. If they need to get to the airport, they’ll just leave the house the night before — you know, in order to get to their jobs as TSA agents.

2. We Could Move the Airport Again
Denver has already established that its international airports are really just scout locations for pre-planned residential communities, so once the commercial infrastructure is built out near where DIA sits now, we’ll begin construction at a new airport with more questionable design elements even farther outside the city. Current options include land near Byers, Brighton or possibly somewhere in Kansas.


1. The Train Could Get Hit by Santa’s Sleigh

Ho, ho, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SHIT!
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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen