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Fake Fan: Broncomania for the Unaffected

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For those poor souls that don’t care about football, the next five months are going to be excruciating. Broncomania is in full swing again. Everyone else is talking in a language you don’t understand. You feel left out, isolated – alienated, even. It’s okay, we’re here to help. Every week after the game I’ll deliver prepackaged name drops, highlights and historical references you can use to fake your way into the Bronco Nation, without ever having to watch a game.

Why would you want to do this? It’s a good way to suck up to the boss, meet people (Ladies, a woman who likes football is automatically 53% more attractive! It’s scientifically proven.) and just fit in with the cool kids in general. You’ll see that life is just better as a Broncos fan – even as a fake one.

When speaking to a real fan, drop these lines to show you know what’s happening and care. You don’t need to know what you’re saying, but if you want to, brief explanations follow, in parentheses. If they say something you don’t understand, just nod sagely and drop another one of these lines.

This week’s game: We played the Buffalo Bills and won in a last second squeaker.

Travis Henry looks like the real deal and thank god we finally have a quarterback. Cutler might be it, if he can stop throwing backward. (New running back Henry ran for 139 yards, which is sort of a lot. Jay Cutler, second-year quarterback, had a good game, especially his final drive, but threw a stupid backward pass that could have cost the game.)

The defense looked a lot better. Hell, they looked good! (The defense sucked in the fake games before the season. Broncos fans were freaking out about it.)

The end of that game took years off my life. (The end of the game took years off every fan's life. It was won, by a single point, as the clock expired.)

I can’t wait until we stomp the Raiders next week. (Say this with emphasis. The Raiders are the Broncos’ biggest rivals. You have to hate them. It’s the law.)

General tip of the week

Buy some Broncos merch. You can’t pass as a fan without some way to show your colors. Hoodies, hats and T-shirts are best. Jerseys are expensive but show real (fake) dedication if you can afford it. Bumper stickers, key chains and Broncos wallpaper for the work computer won’t cut it alone, but make great, cheap secondary sources of credibility.

Hipster Extra: If you can find a vintage T-shirt in a small enough size you can not only credibly claim to be a lifelong fan when you need to, you can wear it ironically around your hipster douchebag friends to score points there as well. Bonus! – Cory Casciato

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