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Fidel Castro Dead, August 24

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Here's a brief look at some of the items America is desperate to learn about today:

Fidel Castro dead The Internet is erupting over the rumor that Fidel Castro is dead. It has yet to be announced by any major news service, but it’s dominating Internet searches. If it’s true, maybe now the CIA can stop spending so much time trying to kill him and concentrate on Osama bin Laden. That is, if they’re not too busy going after some other Cold War-era relic.

George Hotz A New Jersey teen manages to crack the iPhone, enabling it to be used on networks other than AT&T. Cool. Now, if he can just manage a hack that knocks $500 off the price, I might consider getting one for myself.

Walter Williams A professor of Economics in the Top 10 searches? Wow, has America taken a sudden interest in economic theory? Oh, I see. He’s guest-hosting Rush Limbaugh. Wow, Dittoheads can use the Internet? Now that’s news. I was always surprised most of them were smart enough to use the radio.

USS Grunion An underwater robot may have discovered a Navy submarine lost 65 years ago with all hands aboard. James Cameron is rumored to be working on a movie adaptation, if only he can somehow work out an onboard love interest for Leonardo DiCaprio that isn’t totally gay.

Donald Driver The preseason death march continues as Green Bay loses Donald Driver, their best veteran receiver. Someday the NFL will stop bothering with the pretense of preseason “games” and just randomly pick five guys off every team and beat the holy hell out of them. – Cory Casciato

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