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Five things you shouldn't be able to buy online, but can

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When we heard recently that Walmart has begun selling coffins online, our first reaction was stupefied disbelief. Really, Walmart? Coffins? Online? Aren't there some things that just shouldn't be sold online? Well, of course there are. But that doesn't mean they aren't sold online anyway.

We put our crack research team (i.e., me) on an intensive search (i.e., an hour running the craziest Google searches I could come up with) to see what other weird shit we could find online. Here's five things you definitely shouldn't be able to buy online, but totally can.

Weed: Are you even really that surprised you can buy weed online in Colorado? You still need that medical card, but once your paperwork is on file, this company promises fast, discrete, to-your-door, same-day service. I know stoners are notoriously lazy, but this is some kind of new low. Or, you know, high.

Sex: It's not just the cornucopia of prostitution that is the Craigslist sex section (although a judge recently ruled that is legal, so no worries that it's going away any time soon). Those are for amateurs. For a real pro, just type the name of your city and the word "escort" into Google (no way I am linking to any of those), get your credit card ready and you'll have a hooker (er, "escort") on his/her way in no time flat. That's service and convenience!

Sperm: So, you want to make a baby but hubby's swimmers just aren't up to the challenge? No worries, the Internet's got your back. Or cervix, I suppose. Anyway, just hit up one of the fine, online sperm retailers available, browse through the donors list for a baby-daddy you like and voila -- they'll ship the "material" out to your doctor in no time flat, once your credit card clears. Not as convenient as to-your-door service. But hey, what are you going to do with it at home anyway, use a turkey baster?

Venomous Snakes: If you've always wanted a cobra as a pet, you will be thrilled to know it's an option. If your neighbor has always wanted a cobra as a pet, you are probably less thrilled to know that is an option. But don't worry: The website says purchasers are responsible for safe handling and following applicable laws, and we all know no one buys anything over the Internet without first thoroughly thinking things through and checking local legal ordinances...

Uranium: That's right, the very same stuff that Iran is supposedly furiously attempting to turn into nuclear weapons is available through Amazon.com. Isn't the Internet awesome? Sure, this is low-grade stuff, but didn't we invade Iraq over fake uranium? I wouldn't order this stuff if you've ever even walked by a mosque, or even if you just have a beard. Which I do. So I'm probably on some government list now just for running that search...

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