Good news: Frontier Airlines is hiring, and not a moment too soon, based on the spectacular flame-out of Frontier’s recently departed head of corporate communications, Jim Faulkner, who lists “crisis communications” as one of his responsibilities on his LinkedIn profile. One has to wonder if he got a little mixed up as to what that term means. We do not think it means what you think it means, Mr. Faulkner.
Faulkner’s inadvisable attack on 9News’s Kyle Clark — after a clear misinterpretation of a snarky Frontier Airlines story on Clark’s newstastic show Next — ended his career at the airline at least one day early, opening the door for another communications expert to grace Denver’s hometown airline. But what are the requirements for the gig, or what should they be? Here are ten suggestions.
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10. Must Be Taller Than Kyle Clark
For some reason, one of the ad hominem attacks that Faulkner focused in on was Kyle Clark’s height, suggesting that Clark had “some sort of short-man’s disease,” and that he must have had to “stand on a milk crate” to get into the frame of his profile picture. (These anemic jabs, by the way, were apparently the best Faulkner could produce — sort of sad, considering that “taught improv” was important enough to the guy that he included it on his LinkedIn profile.) Clearly, this suggests some sort of stature-requirement at Frontier, which they’re probably not legally able to mandate — but don’t be surprised if there’s a sign featuring Grizwald the Bear saying “You have to be this tall to work at Frontier” when you arrive for your interview.
9. Must Meet New Fee Quota Every Month
“Ultra low-cost” airline Frontier makes its money on fees — this much is clear. Flights might start at $20 one-way (which is the latest low-price come-on featured on the website), but once you get a seat assignment, pay for any baggage, join the mandatory “Discount Den” in order to get those lower fares...well, it’s not twenty bucks anymore. And that’s the point: Frontier just needs to be able to advertise those rates, not realistically deliver on them. Ipso facto: fees. So start brainstorming, prospective communications directors — pay-to-use toilets? Five bucks to turn on your overhead air vents? The mind boggles. (And Mind Boggling is an extra $7 per flight segment.) It's all part of Frontier's new slogan: Nothing Is Free.
8. Ability to Appear on Camera Under Pressure
Especially when that pressure is self-inflicted. Heavy sweaters or anyone that feels shame need not apply.
7. Minimum Seven Years of Experience With Foot-Mouth Insertion
Frontier has been doing this for a while now. It probably doesn't expect candidates to be up to speed regarding the extraordinary ability to say the exact wrong thing at the worst time. It’s taken the company years to fall to the bottom of the rankings. Frontier is committed to providing its corporate employees the time to do the same.
6. Knowledge of Other Areas of Expertise in the Airline Industry
Frontier prides itself on its upper management wearing several hats in order to keep costs low. Pitching in, from fielding customers to handling baggage to piloting an Airbus, is strongly preferred. Little-known fact: Most of the animals that used to be in Frontier’s ads are now creating policy on its board of directors, as well as suctioning the lavatories on select flights.
Keep reading for more hiring requirements for Frontier Airlines' next director of communications.
5. Strong Facility With Language
It’s vitalistic that Frontier representatives speak convincatorially and as authoritativest as they can when appearing before the media, either in-person or, you know, in writing. Like words, like on a piece of paper or in a text or whatever. You know what we’re trying to say.
4. Ability to Turn a Negative Into an Opportunity
You know what they say about what you do when life gives you lemons? (No Kunu, it’s not “Say fuck the lemons and bail.”) You turn them into lemonade. This job requires a lot of lemonade-making. Like, a lot. Believe this: Here at Frontier, we have a lot of lemons.
3. Must Work for Peanuts
Seriously: actual peanuts. Ever since Frontier stopped providing free snacks on their flights, they (ironically) can’t give these things away. Also available: old cookies, tiny bags of pretzels, and any sense of flying being something to enjoy rather than endure.
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2. Some Modicum of Dignity, Sound Judgment and Self-Control
Though the ability to abandon all these things to defend the seemingly indefensible will also be required when necessary.
1. Must Be Willing to Relocate
You know, when Frontier finally admits that all of this has been radical performance art speaking to commerce, corporate America, and the public’s willingness to be crapped on in order to save a few bucks. Frontier already has a national tour planned, with over eighty destinations, including several in Mexico.