Funniest Faux Vance Joseph Tweets: "I Would Have Fired Myself"

A parody Twitter account targeting embattled Denver Broncos coach Vance Joseph is a lot funnier than the team's play.

October 17, 2018

The real Vance Joseph. Denver Broncos via YouTube

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The sickening play of the Denver Broncos in the 2018-’19 season to date has led to plenty of online calls for the firing of head coach Vance Joseph, including a Fire Vance Joseph website and multiple petitions. But by far the most amusing virtual reaction to date has been Faux Vance Joseph, a parody Twitter account that pretends to speak for VJ.

And it's a helluva lot funnier than the real thing.

First place among running gags for the tweets shared since its October 8 debut is Joseph's proclivity for over-praising practices, at which the Broncos apparently look Super Bowl-ready day after day after day.

But also ripe for satire is how unruffled he seems by losing — which makes the intermittent F-bombs and assorted profanities Faux Vance Joseph drops doubly hilarious — and his tendency to soft-peddle the mediocrity of ballers such as first-round-draft bust/holding-penalty machine Garett Bolles no matter how badly they've performed. And that's not to mention bogus Vance's analysis of his own efforts, which even he finds to be putrid.

On a chance for the Broncos to humiliate themselves on national TV twice in five days (by way of a Thursday night match-up against the Arizona Cardinals), it's better to laugh than cry about the team's woes and Joseph's continuing inability to do anything about them. See what we mean by counting down our twenty favorite Faux Vance Joseph tweets to date.

Number 20:

We had a really great practice
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 8, 2018

Number 19:

Oh shit we play the @RamsNFL next? Fuck
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 8, 2018

Number 18:

You hand me Siemian/Lynch and tell me to win games. Wtf. Then you tell me I might get fired and hand me a guy who had one good 1/2 season out of like 5 coming off a blowout in the playoffs and tell me to win with him. I'm not rumplestiltskin, I cant weave gold out of shit
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 9, 2018

Number 17:

It's 1 AM, can't sleep, and Jon Gruden won't even be up for another 2 hours to listen to me talk shit. At least we had a great practice.
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 9, 2018

Number 16:

Uh oh. We didn't practice for this weather. No one told me it was gonna snow. I even asked what the weather was gonna be like. They told me it was gonna be a scorcher. Shit.
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 14, 2018

Number 15:

Wanna know a secret? The @NFL is actually 100% scripted. They tell us who to win and how close they want it.

The @Broncos were supposed to win 5 more games last season. I just fucked it up lololol
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 14, 2018

Number 14:

I eat a pound of cauliflower before each game. It hasn't been working but I do it anyway.
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 14, 2018

Number 13:

Who is worse? Eli or Case? I can't tell
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 12, 2018

Number 12:

GREAT PRACTICE
GREAT PRACTICE
GREAT PRACTICE
GREAT PRACTICE
GREAT PRACTICE
GREAT PRACTICE
GREAT PRACTICE
GREAT PRACTICE
okay practice
GREAT PRACTICE
GREAT PRACTICE
GREAT PRACTICE
GREAT PRACTICE
GREAT PRACTICE
GREAT PRACTICE
GREAT PRACTICE
GREAT PRACTICE
GREAT PRACTICE
We lost
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 10, 2018

Number 11:

All you fans talking crap couldn't coach yourselves out of a wet paper bag. But neither can I so if anyone reading this can, please let me know because I promised changes but don't know where to begin. I asked the players and they made me cry so I don't remember much.
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 10, 2018

Number 10:

Reminder that Bolles got a 9/50 on the wonderlic. I couldn't trust him to figure out 5 ways to break a $20 but I trusted him to learn blocking techniques at an NFL level after only one year of college experience at a real school.
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 9, 2018

Number 9:

Quit telling me to run the ball more. I don't know what I'm doing but telling me to do something is just making me second guess myself in not knowing what I'm doing. Practice was great.
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 10, 2018

Number 8:

Someone asked me if I was afraid of losing the locker room by benching one of the best performing guards implying my incompetence at addressing the issues. I told him to go fuck himself.
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 12, 2018

Number 7:

This whole coaching thing seemed a lot easier on @EAMaddenNFL
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 12, 2018

Number 6:

Why is it snowing? Did Colorado forget how to autumn? God I can't wait till I get fired and move where the weather warns us before this happens.
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 10, 2018

Number 5:

Ya, ya, we know. Beating the #Broncos isn't special. Don't need to rub it in @sonofbum... https://t.co/JbYYc30Ds7
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 15, 2018

Number 4:

Taking suggestions on a good player to bench this week to serve as my scapegoat #change #Broncos
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 15, 2018

Number 3:

You know what? I'm gonna round up "not getting blown out by the @RamsNFL" to a W in my book. #Broncos
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 15, 2018

Number 2:

Monday: We'll be going back to the film.
Tuesday: We have to stick to football 101 and execute better.
Wednesday: We had a great practice.
Thursday: We had a great practice. Some guys hurt. Ouch.
Friday: We had a great practice.
Saturday: We had a great practice.
Sunday: We lost.
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 13, 2018

Number 1:

Watching the film vs @nyjets and good lord we are horrible lol. I would have fired myself and told me to walk home.
— Vance Joseph (@FauxVanceJoseph) October 11, 2018

Michael Roberts began his career with Westword in 1990 as music editor. In 1999, he took on a new role, full-time media reporter, as author of a column called The Message. In 2008, he became the lead writer for Westword's news blog, The Latest Word, a position he held until January 2023. Michael continues to freelance for Westword, covering everything from business to sports and the media; he also contributes to Jazziz, a national music magazine. He holds a bachelor's degree from what is now Colorado Mesa University and master's degrees from the University of California, Los Angeles, and Northwestern University.

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