It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Real World

Tyrie went postal.

The end is in sight. Only nine more episodes. MTV has promised us 28 half-hour shows devoted to a bunch of crazies running around our city, and they're scheduled to wrap up on May 16.

Back on June 22, 2006, we wrote about our Real World prank, and by then the cast had already been here long enough to visit some of our first-choice bars (Coyote Ugly being one of them -- it just seemed appropriate). Apparently it takes about a year from start to finish to turn Denver into a reality TV star.

Anyway, onward through Episode 19.

This is going to be the episode in which two of the roommates confess infidelities to their significant others, with very different results. The suspects: Jenn (who has someone back home she "sincerely cares for") and Tyrie (who is hot and heavy with Jazalle, whom he met in Denver).

So the crew heads back to Monarck. Again. It's nice to see how MTV is really showcasing the range of music available in Denver. In this romantic setting, Tyrie is overcome by his feelings and tells Jazalle he loves her. Everyone is in shock.

"My heart is the one thing I'm most protective of," he tells her, adding that giving his heart away is the only thing he's afraid of (besides bears, mountain lions and heights, naturally).

Back at the house, Alex is allowing Tyrie to discuss his feelings (Mr. Emo, perhaps?). He allows that Jazalle is "really good-looking. She's not as fine as Ashley, but Ashley's not as smart."

Ashley, you may remember, came into the picture at around the same time as Jazalle. Tyrie had sex with Ashley, but he has a relationship with Jazalle.

And he seems content with his choice. He agrees with Alex that Jazalle is not as cute as Ashley, but as a total package, she comes out way ahead of her competition. Alex reminds him of the cons of having a girlfriend, but Tyrie says Jazalle is worth it.

Cut to Brooke and Jenn in the hot tub talking about boys. Brooke admits that her first boyfriend had bad teeth and long hair. Why does this not surprise me?

Jenn starts talking about Jared, her man back home (again with breaking the cardinal Real World rule). "Does he have tattoos?" Brooke wonders salaciously. And, "Really?!" when she finds out he does. Because tattooed men are so hard to find these days.

Then Jenn begins to ruminate on her sins. "I feel so guilty for what I've done, because I know deep down inside I don't give a damn about Alex," she reflects. This is why you break up with your significant other before agreeing to appear on any MTV show, people!

So of course, the next time they're on the phone, Jenn has to tell Jared what she did. "That sucks," he replies. She says she didn't mean to, she was just drunk. He fires back that her intention doesn't matter: "Obviously, you wanted to do something, and you did it. People use that excuse of being drunk. I get drunk and I still know what I'm doing."

Hey, so do I! And here I was thinking I was all abnormal or something because I don't throw myself at anything with testicles after I've had a few.

"It's one thing for me to hurt, but when I've hurt somebody else because of what I've done, it's the worst feeling in the whole world," Jenn confides in her confessional. She hopes she gets a second chance.

They hang up and the camera zooms in on the back of Jenn's waistband. It reads "It's all about me." Another shocker.

Jenn goes and cries to Colie, who tries to buck her up. "You're stronger than this. You can handle this," Colie assures her. "I can't lose him. I can't. I can't," Jenn responds. Who talks like that? Do people honestly repeat themselves to make a point? I thought that was just a cheap film gimmick. I feel like I'm beginning to understand how you interact with other people when you have cameras following your every move, 24/7: You turn into a kind of fake soap opera star.

Then Jenn gets on the phone with her sister and pouts to her for a while. That is, until she hears the news that her sister saw Jared kiss somebody else, with her own eyes. Jenn feels somewhat vindicated -- but then again, she also feels like she was trying to be a good person and got slapped in the face.

Jenn: Good people do not cheat on their significant others twice with the same person. Nor do they blame their mistakes on alcohol.

"Time to get fucked up and fucked," says my Real World-watching companion. Exactly.

Jenn then tells Brooke what happened. "Doesn't surprise me one bit," she says. Jenn tries to mitigate her own transgression by saying it's worse for Jared to be hooking up with people she might know, in a bar she frequents, than for her to be hooking up with her roommate in a city where neither of them have any ties. (Even if it is on national TV.)

Then Brooke says this: "Never feel sorry for a man. Period. Never. Because as soon as you start feeling sorry for them, you'll figure out soon enough, they're fucking around way more than you are."

Clearly, these two are both logic-deficient.

Tyrie calls Jazalle to come clean about Ashley; up to this point, he'd maintained that she was "just a friend." Jazalle had been aware of Ashley, but didn't know her name and just called her "big head." Admits Tyrie: "She does have a big-ass head."

Jazalle just wants to know that Tyrie and Ashley are no longer talking. She's not even mad at him, and he's relieved.

Darnell, Stephen's friend from way back in the day, comes for a visit and they all go to -- well, does it really matter where they go? It's somewhere in LoDo in the same four-block radius they always frequent. That's all you need to know.

Then they go to the opening of DC10. I'm freaked out. They crossed Colfax and went somewhere other than Vinyl. Stop the presses!

And guess who's a waitress at DC10 ... Ashley. This just seems too weird -- wasn't she a flight attendant? Did MTV set Tyrie up? While Ashley's taking their order, Jazalle shows up. "This is gonna be hell," Tyrie predicts, and he's not too far wrong. Jazalle gets pissed off and leaves, and Tyrie is acting all tough, like it doesn't bother him. "Get the fuck on if you're gonna be like that," he grunts to his fellow Y-chromosome bearers.

Meanwhile, Jenn wants to hook up with Darnell. Back at the house, Colie eggs her on. Downstairs on the couch with Darnell and Stephen, she waits for her moment. When Stephen gets up, Darnell starts stroking her leg. Smoov. By the time Stephen gets back, they're spit-swapping.

"Oh my god, I cannot believe Jenn, that's pretty messed up," Stephen says. Frankly, I'm surprised that he's surprised.

Jenn says she's done with Jared. Believe that when I see it. She goes upstairs, saying, "I'm gonna pee real quick, loverboy. Isn't he hot?" Stephen looks like he sat in something disgusting.

Meanwhile, Tyrie is on the porch, preparing to make a complete ass of himself -- and possibly land himself in jail, to boot. He's talking to Jazalle, clearly wasted, and his voice starts escalating. "I'm not screaming at you!" he shouts, then tells Jazalle she screamed at him for eight hours. He is clearly too wasted to be having this conversation.

Jazalle goes into the bathroom and cries. He comes in and says, "What the hell? Listen. I love you more than ..."

"If you love me, you don't scream like that," she responds through her tears.

Here's where it gets really nuts. Tyrie keeps trying to finish his drunken rant, but Jazalle feels like she's not being heard. The fact that she isn't remaining perfectly quiet, listening to him, is starting to enrage Tyrie. "Stop talking!" he thunders. "Just listen to me. Don't talk, that's all I'm saying."

What a kind, thoughtful, respectful young gentleman. In all seriousness, if Tyrie was yelling at me like that, I'd be too frightened to move. He's a big boy.

Jazalle says no, she won't stop talking, and attempts to leave the bathroom. He grabs her arm and pulls her back inside. "Oh, hell no!" my viewing partner says, clearly upset by the way Tyrie is manhandling a much smaller female. He's restraining her, not letting her out and not letting anyone open the door (by this point, Jenn is outside trying to talk some sense into him). Darnell and Stephen come up and Jenn begs them to make him let Jazalle go. It sounds like shower doors are breaking -- there's definitely the sound of shattering glass.

"I'm not gonna do anything," Tyrie insists. Comforting. Except for the barely restrained rage in his tone.

"Why are you doing that to her, Ty?" someone demands.

"Because she won't listen!" he thunders back.

And then MTV gives us another one of their ridiculous "To be continued ..." dark screens, and no teaser for next week. Damn them!

Here's what I'm predicting, though: Tyrie's landed himself a visit to a jail cell. At least, I sincerely hope so. I'd press assault charges on him if I were Jazalle -- and if she doesn't break up with him after this, there's something seriously wrong with the girl.

Thank heaven for men who are capable of holding adult arguments with their significant others. Otherwise we'd all start thinking like Brooke. -- Amber Taufen

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Amber Taufen has been writing about people, places and things in Denver since 2005. She works as an editor, writer, and production and process guru out of her home office in the foothills.
Contact: Amber Taufen