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Ivanka Trump, back when she thought her dad's candidacy was just another publicity stunt she was required to support.EXPAND
Ivanka Trump, back when she thought her dad's candidacy was just another publicity stunt she was required to support.
Michael Vadon at Flickr

Ten Things You Might Hear From Ivanka Trump in Colorado Today

Ivanka Trump is visiting Colorado, with stops in Rocky Mountain National Park today, July 23, and at an undisclosed daycare center on July 24. As the First Daughter and inexplicable Advisor to the President, Ivanka is here to talk about the Great American Outdoors Act (which Senator Cory Gardner introduced, with Senator Michael Bennet co-sponsoring), now headed to her father's desk, as well as to participate in a roundtable discussion on the safe reopening of child-care centers nationwide.

“I am looking forward to visiting the great state of Colorado,” Ivanka Trump said in a White House release announcing the visit, “and learning how this administration’s policies are helping citizens across the state. Working with Senator Gardner on the Great American Outdoors Act, we are securing funding for the next 100 years to preserve our national parks and public lands.”

But Ivanka will say a lot more than that while she’s here. The cameras will be rolling, the reporters reporting, the mics hot — and there may be some things uttered that are more revealing than perhaps were intended. Here are ten things Ivanka might actually say during her visit — in a rare moment of unguarded, if not unplugged, honesty.

10. “A vote for Cory Gardner is a vote for the Great American Outdoors Act! And also for my father, the Great Leader Donald Trump, who will in the near future be cordoning off a significant section of all National Parks for the exclusive use and enjoyment of his cronies and secret police squads.”

9. “Jared and I just love Colorado. We’d very much like to own property here someday, so we have someplace to wear sweaters one weekend a year while pretending affection for each other and our two or three children. Jared's smile is getting so much more natural.”

8. “This daycare center is just delightful. It’s so important to give your nannies a few days off now and again. Keeps them loyal, you know? And these facilities are so much nicer than the border warehouses with the immigrant cages that I know nothing about.”

7. "I feel blessed to be here in one of America's most beautiful states, able to endanger the public health during a nearly ignored pandemic. As we've all learned from my father's administration, there's nothing more important than a photo op."

6. “You know what they say about visiting Colorado: Make sure to stay hydrated, and eat your body weight in GOYA products!"

5. "The Great American Outdoors Act? Having rarely been outside myself, I'm probably completely unqualified to have an opinion on this bill, but I'm told that I enthusiastically support it. Really, once I crashed the G20 and acted like a trained diplomat and nothing happened, it sort of seems useless that I ever attended college at all. I should have paid a nerd to take my tests like Dad did. I learn so much from that man."

4. "I'd like to thank Interior Secretary David Bernhardt, a native-born Coloradan and former energy industry lobbyist who's traveling with me today as evidence that literally everything in America is currently up for sale, from protected environments to cabinet positions. It's like I wanted to say in my painfully un-ironic book Women Who Work: Conflicts of interest are just opportunities to which one should pretend to be oblivious."

3. “Look, I may have made some small errors in judgment with the clothing line (thanks for the plug, Kellyanne!) and the emails (sorry/not sorry, Hillary!). But seriously, compared to Don Jr. and Eric, I’m like a freaking savant over here.”

2. “My name isn’t Karen. It’s Ivanka.”

1. "No matter what happens in November, remember: Ivanka 2024!"

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