Jamie Moyer's old man fetes only highlights of awful Rockies season

This isn't just another one of those "Jamie Moyer is really old, but still doing things" stories. No, it's a "Jamie Moyer is really old and still doing things, but it's really depressing because it's basically the only highlight of the Rockies season" stories. See the difference? At 49-years-old, almost every time Moyer takes the hill, he becomes the oldest major league player to do something. These accomplishments would be really enjoyable if they were a small side-note on the Rockies season and not the only uplifting part of it.

Last Wednesday, Moyer became the oldest major league player to drive in a run. He drove in two, actually. With runners on second and third against the Diamondbacks, he crushed the shit out of a pitch. Okay, fine, he barely made contact with a ball and dribbled it into a position that was hard for the pitcher to field. When the pitcher missed it, the first baseman picked it up and wiffed on a diving tag attempt that allowed Dexter Fowler to score all the way from second.

This play typified the Rockies season to this point. A third of the runs in a rare May win were scored when a 49-year-old pitcher got a fluke infield single that resulted in bad fielding by the opposition. This from a team that plays its home games in one of the most hitter-friendly parks in the league and is supposed to have one of the most formidable offenses in the league. But no, they're relying on someone who is damn near a senior citizen to produce runs.

While Moyer became the oldest major league pitcher to win a game earlier this season, he has set an unofficial record as the oldest pitcher to be the most reliable starter on a major league rotation. Juan Nicasio is the only other starter who has pitched a similar number of starts and innings for the Rockies, and until last night, Moyer had pitched at least five innings in all his starts.

About last night: Moyer became the oldest pitcher in major league history to give up a grand slam to a guy named Giancarlo that left the bat at over 122 miles per hour and broke a fucking scoreboard. Read that sentence again, because it actually happened. Here's the video proof.

According to ESPN's Buster Olney, that was the fastest home run registered on ESPN's Home Run Tracker, which began operating in 2006. It was part of a seven-pitch at-bat. Giancarlo Stanton's blast came on a full-count and took the Miami Marlins from two runs down to two up.

It was the fourteenth loss in the last seventeen games for the Rockies. That seventeen game slide began when the Rockies were 12-12 and still in a position to contend in a relatively weak division. Colorado now has the third worst record in baseball.

Carlos Gonzalez is the only regular started who is hitting over .300. Every starting pitcher has an ERA over four. The guy who was supposed to be the staff ace, Jhoulys Chacin, tried to pitch through injury and was sent down to Triple-A.

We would say there is nowhere to go but up from here, but there is no reason to believe with any confidence that all the old guys or young guys with very little major league experience will improve. Troy Tulowitzki should hit better than .262, but that's about the only improvement that seems reliable.

While Moyer seems like a pretty even-keel kind of guy, if the season continues on its current trajectory, he might become the oldest major league player to club a bullpen teammate in the head with a bat out of frustration after he blew Moyer's solid start. That would be one for the record books.

More from our Sports archive: "Why Jamie Moyer isn't a Baltimore Oriole."

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Kyle Garratt
Contact: Kyle Garratt