Jobbed: Man seeks help traveling back in time, so dust off your flux capacitor

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The Job: Time traveler Wanted (Greater Denver Area), found on Craigslist

Pay: $250,000

Qualifications: "I am looking to hire someone capable of transporting me into the past, specifically to November 5, 1977. I will wish to return to the present five days later on November 10, 1977. Your method of temporal transfer may be technological, magickal, psychic or other, it is irrelevant. I am willing to sign what ever non-disclosure agreements you require, including protecting your technical/mystical secrets and agreeing not to alter the timeline. I WILL require the functionality of your time travel method to be vetted by an expert, chosen by me before ANY monetary transfer takes place.

Responsibilities: "While in the past, I intend only to observe two events, one in San Diego, CA on the evening of November 6, 1977, the next in Baltimore MD on the afternoon of November 8, 1977. Depending on what I learn, I may need to make additional observations on November 9 and 10, but I do not wish to risk staying longer in the past. I also need to purchase a couple of small items while in San Diego. I intend to bury these in a place I can retrieve them in the present. These purchases are not intended for resale or any other form of monetary gain, rather they are related to the personal mystery which I am intending to solve.

I plan to use contemporary transportation and lodging and intend to bring a small amount of gold into the past to exchange for contemporary currency, although if you can arrange some form of transportation (such as teleportation) I am prepared to compensate you with a substantial bonus. I must, however, insist on TOTAL privacy while I conduct my investigation of the past and will require YOU to sign a non-disclosure agreement should you happen to accidentally learn anything. This trip pertains to a family business matter and the people involved are very touchy and the legal ramifications potentially far reaching. Only qualified candidates need bother applying. I understand this is a long shot but appreciate your consideration. Thank you very much."

What it doesn't say: That the employer is batshit crazy -- or that this is just someone playing a joke at the expense of Craigslist (the posting has since been flagged for removal). The description leaves nothing to the imagination. And yet this job is, um, totally imaginary. At least I think ... I mean, maybe time travel is possible. And what the hell happened on November 6 and November 8? Man, I wish I could find out. Come to think of it, if you answer this ad and you can transport two people back in time, I'd like to check it out.

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Jonathan Shikes is a Denver native who writes about business and beer for Westword.
Contact: Jonathan Shikes