Schmuck of the Week

Josh Gerchen to Aspen Cops: "This Town Sucks — I'm Just Here to Do Drugs"

Go big or go home: It's good advice in life — and in candidacy to become a Schmuck of the Week.

And judging by the info in his hilariously abusive arrest affidavit, Josh Gerchen has learned this lesson very, very well.

A 39-year-old St. Louis resident, Gerchen was busted in Aspen earlier this month after douchebaggery that included profanity aplenty, mimed humping of a fence and persistent boasting about how his family's money essentially made him above the law.

Not quite.

Around 9 p.m. on November 5, according to the Vail Daily, officers were called to Aspen's swanky Mezzaluna restaurant on a report of an abusive customer — and according to the police document accessed by the newspaper, Gerchen definitely qualified.

Gerchen had apparently been set off by the size of his tab, and when his credit card was declined, he went ballistic on the cops, telling them, "I pay your fucking salaries. I own you all."

He added that he was good for the charges. "Don't worry, my rich daddy will take care of this fucking bill and I will be suing all of your asses," the report quotes him as saying.

In the end, it was Gerchen's mom who paid the $134 he owed after he called her on his cell phone. But Gerchen still wasn't happy. When a female officer tried to return his credit card, he allegedly threw it on the ground and said, "Pick it up, bitch."

The officer turned down this not-so-polite opportunity and split — but the cops were called back to Mezzaluna shortly thereafter to find that Gerchen was "'dry-humping’ (simulating sex) with the fence in front of the restaurant windows while ‘flipping them off’ and mouthing the words ‘fuck you,’” the affidavit maintains.

That was more than enough for the law-enforcers, who took Gerchen into custody at the Limelight Hotel (one of two other establishments that are said to have also had trouble with him) on suspicion of harassment and making obscene gestures.

After being loaded into a police cruiser, the cops say Gerchen assessed the situation like so: "This town fucking sucks. I'm just here to do drugs."

It seems as if he did a lot more than that. Here's a larger look at Gerchen's booking photo.

KEEP WESTWORD FREE... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.