Khory Gagner, this is your life, and it's a mess.
Or at least it was on the night a drunken binge inspired him to break into a restaurant/bar, where he accidentally started a fire while heating up some queso for nachos -- a snack he'll have several years' worth of community corrections to savor.
Gagner's crazy night, as related by the Aspen Daily News, took place this past November. He was apparently thirsty that evening, since he reportedly guzzled two twenty-ounce bottles of Jägermeister and sixteen beers between eight p.m. and midnight.
At that point, Gagner apparently realized that he should balance all that liquid with some solids -- so he rode his aunt's bicycle to a market in his hometown of El Jebel. It was closed, though, and a nearby Wendy's was, too. But he noticed lights outside the Fine Line Bar and Grill, and they attracted him like a moth to the flame.
Although the real flames would come later.
How did he get into the bar? According to the police report, he claimed the door was open, while the owner said that the backdoor glass was broken. Whatever the case, Gagner settled down, pouring himself a couple of tap beers and downing more shots of Jäger, which he supplemented with some tequila. He also made nachos and quesadillas using a stove and oven, and they must have been damn good. He's said to have vomited in a nearby bathroom several times -- and after each hurl, he reportedly came back and started eating again.
If only he'd paid attention to the bags of tortilla chips on the stove. They caught fire, triggering what the News describes as "a fire-suppression system that sucked oxygen out of the area." Resetting the contraption cost $1,000 -- a damage amount he jacked up even further by dismantling the surveillance cameras in a way that took $500 to fix. He also dragged a safe outside and left it by the back door, but he swore he didn't try to break into it. "I just forgot about it," he later told a deputy.
Following a couple hours of TV time at the bar, Gagner headed back to his aunt's place -- probably worse for the wear.
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Cut to the next day, when an employee from the property management company that oversees the Fine Line was viewing real-time video of a pedestrian tunnel, and happened to spot Gagner. Upon seeing the staffer approach, Gagner, who'd been hitchhiking, tried to run away, but he tripped over his baggy clothing. He had an iPod with him the Fine Line owners ID'd as theirs.
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As punishment for his night of fun, plus a guilty plea for felony trespass of an automobile with the intent to commit a crime, Gagner will serve a four-year community corrections term that will include alcohol treatment and addiction counseling.
At his most recent sentencing, Gagner told the judge, "I made a mistake."
That's one way of putting it. Here's a larger look at his booking photo: