At one time or another, we've all wondered if the average person cares about our personal welfare. But Noah Miranda allegedly took things a step further, conducting a survey on the question.
One person at a time. In the middle of a street. In the dark. While drunk.
According to a Boulder Police Department incident report on view below, an officer was flagged down by the worker behind the wheel of an Xcel Energy truck just shy of 2:30 a.m. last Friday. The truck's driver said a man was walking down the center of Broadway "taunting" cars.
He wasn't the only person offended by having his vehicle teased. Shortly thereafter, a cab driver got the officer's attention and told him much the same story.
Armed with these complaints, the officer headed toward Broadway and soon spotted a man standing on the white dotted lane marker in the center of two northbound lanes of Broadway near a bus stop. In response, the cop hit his overhead lights, then stopped and exited his squad car and walked toward the man, later ID'd as Miranda, age 25. But when the officer beckoned him, Miranda turned and strode in the opposite direction.
The officer responded by grabbing Miranda by the arm, maneuvering him to the nearest curb and forcing him to sit down. Miranda reportedly didn't like that, wanting to know why the cop had placed hands on him and repeating the question, "What did you say?" when the officer said he was trying to move him out of traffic.
Finally, after being cuffed, Miranda described his mission. In his words, he was "conducting a study." Its purpose: to determine if drivers had enough concern for his welfare not to run him over.
Given that Boulder is a university town, this makes perfect sense, right? But for whatever reason, the officer didn't simply accept this explanation. Instead, he wanted to know under whose authority the study being conducted -- and as would any proud academician, Miranda took umbrage.
"What authority? What authority?" he asked, before supplying the answer: "My authority."
Still not satisfied, the officer, who smelled alcohol on Miranda's breath, wanted to know if he'd recently imbibed. Turns out he had -- one shot, two glasses of rum and Coke and a pitcher of Long Island Iced Tea since 10:30 p.m.
All to fuel his research, no doubt.
After being placed in the squad car, Miranda plunged into more scholarly pursuits, asking the officer why he'd gone into law enforcement. But as soon as the officer informed him they were heading toward the nearest jail, Miranda allegedly freaked out, ranting that the cop actually had no idea why he was taking him to the hoosgow -- yet he wouldn't reveal the truth because their conversation was being recorded.
When the cop replied that no recording was taking place, Miranda wasn't happy. The report says he bitched about how ridiculous it was that a high-tech vehicle outfitted with a computer didn't also feature a recording device and suggested the reason for its absence was to keep this abuse of power "off the record."
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Not quite. Read said record below and decide for yourself if Miranda was blinded by science.
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More from our Colorado Crimes archive: "Joseph Conway's bad trip: He allegedly freaks out on LSD, gets pepper-sprayed on highway."