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Paciolan, October 22

Here's a brief look at some of the items Americans are desperate to learn about today:

Paciolan That’s Paciolan, as in, the reason you can’t get your Rockies tickets today. It’s the company responsible for the software that died an ignoble and horrific death at the hands of 8.5 million baseball fans trying to order tickets at the exact same moment. Now, that’s the way to push your company’s name into the public eye!

San Diego fires San Diego is quickly being reduced to a pile of charred debris due to a number of raging wildfires. Roughly 250,000 people have been forced to flee their homes in order to escape. I suggest they move to Wyoming, as they would increase the state’s population by half in an instant. Also, that means they won’t come here.

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Robert the haunted doll Robert the haunted doll is one of the very few items in the top 50 searches not related to either the Rockies ticketing fiasco or the fires. He (it?) is a doll that apparently houses some sort of evil spirit. Why is he in the top searches? It must be Halloween, or maybe Robert just figured out how to use the Internet…

USS Hampton If haunted dolls, the prospect of missing the World Series due to computers and great swathes of southern California burning to the ground aren’t scary enough, the Navy has announced it is investigating forged logs on the USS Hampton, one of its top nuclear submarines. Seems some bright swabbies realized it was way, way easier to just write down that they had tested the nuclear reactor rather than actually doing it. Pair this with the recent case involving cruise missiles with their nuclear warheads intact being mistakenly and unknowingly transported, and this is shaping up to be the scariest Halloween ever!

Ronnie Brown Miami Dolphins fans, supposing there are any left, got more bad news today when Ronnie Brown’s agent announced Brown was out for the season with a torn ACL. At 0-7 with their best offensive player out for the season and no decent quarterback in sight, Miami may manage to make a perfect 0-16, all-defeated season the same year that the Patriots manage to destroy the perfect undefeated season record previously held by the 1972 Dolphins. Ironic symmetry at its very best. -- Cory Casciato

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