Audio By Carbonatix
Another big-league baseball season is all but upon us, and the prelude is decorated with the usual fond hopes — even in Denver and Tampa. But the game seems more deeply troubled than ever. Players shooting steroids. Barry Bonds on the verge of murder at a press conference. The Damn Yankees and their $200 million payroll fixed once more on the World Series. Five bucks for Cracker Jack.
Herewith some key questions for 2005. All test papers will be collected at the end of class, when they will be promptly shredded and scattered to the winds of Coors Field.
1. The Colorado Rockies’ 56-man spring roster features forty players with less than two years’ experience in the big leagues, and five rookies will probably make the starting lineup. This year’s Rockies team should be nicknamed:
A. The Blake Street Bambini.
B. Klint’s Kids.
C. Todd and the Toddlers.
D. The Baby-sitters Club.
2. Retired slugger Jose Canseco writes that many former teammates used steroids under his supervision, and he’s now producing a pay-per-view video to supplement his controversial book. The video’s highlights will include:
A. Canseco bending over a typewriter with copies of Roget’s Thesaurus and The Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary close at hand.
B. Pop star Madonna bending over Canseco.
C. Canseco bending over Mark McGwire’s rump, hypodermic at the ready, in a bathroom stall at the Oakland A’s clubhouse.
D. Canseco bending over his World Series ring, trying to knock the diamonds out of it with a Stillson wrench.
3. According to Jose, players refer to the baseball-crazed women they have sex with in their hotel rooms as:
A. “Road beef.”
B. “Annie.”
C. Whass-her-name-in-Chicago.
D. The alternative to bending over Mark McGwire’s rump in the Oakland A’s clubhouse.
4. In baseball parlance, a “single” is:
A. Unmarried road beef.
B. The thing Jose Canseco could never manage to get in the clutch.
C. The boring thing no baseball fan under thirty wants to see.
D. The one-patty order at Wendy’s — mostly for kids under ten.
5. Among the players accused of using steroids, San Francisco Giants home-run king Barry Bonds is the most prominent. Bonds’s repeated denial of the charges indicates:
A. A wronged man trying bravely to clear his good name.
B. A thoughtful fellow who wants no stain on his new career as a sports columnist.
C. Pinocchio with great pecs.
D. Pete Rose with more homers.
6. This season could be historic for Bonds. What will be his greatest feat in 2005?
A. Surpassing Babe Ruth’s 714 home-run mark.
B. Reaching Henry Aaron’s all-time record of 755.
C. Tossing a Cadillac Escalade into the bleachers from short left field — one-handed.
D. Owning up.
7. Unhappy ex-Chicago Cubs stalwart Sammy Sosa has moved on to the Baltimore Orioles. What will be his most notable achievement this year?
A. Sticking around until the game is over — at least on weekdays.
B. Ordering crabcakes at Nick’s Fish House.
C. Removing the cork from his head.
D. Shutting up.
8. Who should oversee Major League Baseball’s new drug-testing policy?
A. Jose Canseco.
B. Barry Bonds.
C. The Reverend Jerry Falwell.
D. Courtney Love.
9. If found using steroids or other performance-enhancing substances this year, baseball players should be required to:
A. Say they’re sorry.
B. Switch to Johnnie Walker Black.
C. Bend over baseball commissioner Bud Selig’s rump in the Oakland A’s clubhouse.
D. Remove the cork from Sammy Sosa’s head.
10. Given their inexperienced players and long history of losing on the road, the Colorado Rockies are expected to suffer through another unhappy season. What will the team’s record be in 2005?
A. 60-102.
B. 50-102* (* final ten games forfeited).
C. 40-102** (** final twenty games played in the Pacific Coast League).
D. 10-102*** (*** players mutiny in mid-July; three days later, they become farm-implement salesmen).
11. The honor of throwing out the first pitch at this year’s Rockies home opener should be accorded to:
A. Ward Churchill.
B. Winston Churchill.
C. Former Rockies pitcher Denny Neagle, who was released from his $19 million contract after being apprehended in the company of a $40 prostitute on West Colfax Avenue.
D. Mrs. Neagle.
12. The only hope for the Rockies’ young pitching staff this year is:
A. Jason Jennings.
B. A rule change: All visiting batters at Coors Field go to the plate with broomsticks.
C. Night games without lights.
D. Anti-psychotic medication in massive doses.
E. Team plane with insoluble mechanical problems on eve of West Coast road swing.
F. Barry Bonds is replaced on Giants roster by Barry Manilow.
G. None of the above.
13. Despite their dim prospects, the Rockies are bound to have a player on this year’s National League All-Star team. The most likely candidate is:
A. Todd Helton.
B. Helton, T.
C. Todd Lynn Helton, born 8/20/73, Knoxville, TN.
D. “T.H.”
14. The world-champion Boston Red Sox will receive their World Series rings at the team’s home opener on April 11. Boston’s opponents that day will be their bitter rivals, the New York Yankees. Upon presentation of the rings, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner will:
A. Stick his head in a vat of New England clam chowder.
B. Set four hit men from the Lucchese Family loose in the Red Sox dugout.
C. Fire manager Billy Martin again, even though he died in 1989.
D. Inject steroids in Jason Giambi’s rump.
15. Which two teams will reach the 2005 World Series?
A. New York Yankees and St. Louis Cardinals.
B. New York Yankees and Atlanta Braves.
C. New York Yankees and New York Knicks.
D. New York Yankees and New York Yankees.
16. After more than three decades in eastern Canada, the poorly supported Montreal Expos will be reborn as the Washington Nationals — the first major-league team in the nation’s capital since the Washington Senators fled to Texas in 1972. The starting pitcher for the Nationals on opening day will be:
A. Walter “Big Train” Johnson.
B. William “Chief Justice” Rehnquist.
C. Early Wynn.
D. Condoleezza Rice.
17. In Montreal, heartbroken Expos fans will spend opening day in unaccustomed ways. What are they most likely to do?
A. Shovel the driveway.
B. Shoot a moose.
C. Weep into a bowl of French onion soup.
D. Watch NHL reruns on ESPN Classic.
18. The timeless joy of baseball is best symbolized by:
A. Denny Neagle.
B. Barry Bonds facing a bank of TV cameras.
C. Light beer ($5.50).
D. Jose Canseco bending over George Steinbrenner’s rump with a Stillson wrench.
