Political Face Off

“The most successful politician is he who says what everybody is thinking most often and in the loudest voice,” said Theodore Roosevelt. But Roosevelt was wrong, dead wrong. The most successful politician is he who looks most like sexy George Clooney.

Of course, old Teddy never could have known this, since he didn’t have a cool toy like’s nifty free face-recognition program, which lets you upload photos to find celebrity look-alikes.

The potential of such technology is obvious. No, not to determine whether your girlfriend is hot like me—I can tell you right now, she ain’t. What’s far more exciting about this application is the insight it provides into the most important political personalities in our state. After all, as everyone knows, you can ALWAYS judge a book by its cover. Especially when that book looks like sexy George Clooney.

For example, when we plugged Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper's mug into, the results were illuminating:

No wonder Hick’s such a hit! He’s the grown-up version of the cute kid who could see dead people in The Sixth Sense! Who wouldn’t want a mayor with a talent like that? Plus he’s got a good dose of all-American Richie Cunningham, a bit of Rod “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy” Stewart, the heartthrob potential of Nick Lachey and the charisma of the Rock. Add to that his resemblance to both a pope and a member of the Kennedy dynasty. And finally, if he was a woman, he’d be THE MOST SUCCESSFUL NOVELIST IN THE WORLD. Can we give this guy the governorship already?

Speaking of governors, let’s see how Bill Ritter fares:

Gabriel Byrne! Al Pacino! Steven Seagal! Matt Dillon! He’s a Shakespeare-quoting, gangster-loving, karate-chopping teen idol! Not to mention he can dominate center court like Lithuanian b-ball star Arvydas Sabonis, resolve ethnic tensions like Republic of Macedonia president Boris Trajkovski, and stare down communists like German leader Karl Carstens. As they say in the Old Country, he’s tough like bear! Regarding his similarity to nut-job Tom Cruise, let’s keep that on the down-low.

Finally, there’s Mecca-bombing presidential hopeful Tom Tancredo. Does his face have what it takes to make it to the top seat in the land?

So Tancredo is a fusion of a racial stereotype-defying African-American actor, a Russian tennis hottie, a liberal consumer activist and an R&B diva. We could have told you that without all this fancy technology. – Joel Warner

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Joel Warner is a former staff writer for Westword and International Business Times. He's also written for WIRED, Men's Journal, Men's Health, Bloomberg Businessweek, Popular Science, Slate, Grantland and many other publications. He's co-author of the 2014 book The Humor Code: A Global Search for What Makes Things Funny, published by Simon & Schuster.
Contact: Joel Warner