Pop Quiz

1. All but one of the following is true of Jason "Jake" Plummer:

A. Even with his millions, he claims to still shop at Old Navy.

B. Despite his gallant eighty-yard drive, his high school team lost the Idaho state championship by one measly point.

C. His brothers used to call him "The Fake" for faking on-field injuries; later, he became "The Snake."

D. He nagged his mother to let him play football, which she finally did when he was ten.

2. This season, a new fixture will grace the Rockies locker room:

A. A photo of Albert Einstein holding a baseball, on which the brainiac wrote the words "Everything's relative."

B. The world's first hyperbaric baseball pressure chamber to keep balls altitude-friendly.

C. Letters from former fans telling the players how stinky they were last season.

D. A time clock similar to those by which hourly workers punch in and out of their jobs.

3. The Fort Collins Lambkins made a blunder in their quest to win the girls' 5A swim crown. What was it?

A. Team members wore the wrong style of swim caps, thus disqualifying them from the competition.

B. One swimmer was wearing water-soluble nail polish, a high school no-no.

C. The coach entered one too many swimmers in an event, and the entire squad's times were wiped out.

D. Several Lambs with colds had taken Sudafed, which contains a banned substance.

4. The red-hot Avs nearly suffered a severe blow recently when:

A. Mike Keane got his thumb jammed in the on/off switch of the Zamboni.

B. Peter Forsberg was hit in the privates by a puck.

C. Patrick Roy broke out in a rash traced to the new Krylon paint used on his goalie mask.

D. Adam Foote had a swollen foot.

5. After eight U.S. Olympic Committee leaders resigned, the acting president said:

A. "What we need is a really bad biathlon shooter in here to clean things out."

B. "I'm not going to be in a panic mode in bringing anybody else in here."

C. "Well, that's eight strikes, and we're still not out."

D. "I've seen more honesty among American Idol judges than that crew."

6. After losing their fourteenth consecutive game, the Nuggets offered some choice nuggets. Which of the following went unsaid?

A. Marcus Camby: "I don't play shuffleboard."

B. Rodney White: "Maybe my hard work is paying off."

C. Junior Harrington: "It's the same old story. The same old story."

D. Nene Hilario (in Portuguese): "El gato es un animal doméstico."


1. C. Plummer's brothers dubbed him "The Snake" for his ability to slither out of trouble.

2. D. A time clock to keep the Colorado slackies, er, Rockies focused on work.

3. C. One too many Lambs was in the pool.

4. B. Forsberg got pucked up when he was hit in the groin. But Peter's okay.

5. B. No panic needed -- just a few tin medals for failed leadership.

6. D. Nene didn't speak up for the record in Portuguese, Spanish or Esperanto -- although he could have uttered "Oy vey."

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Ernie Tucker
Contact: Ernie Tucker