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Publicist forces Lance Armstrong's pregnant girlfriend to take down her Facebook and Myspace profiles

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Once upon a time, Anna Hansen was your average blond, pretty, sorta-outdoorsy Colorado girl working as a waitress at Rio Grande in Boulder while attending CU. Four years later, after living abroad for a spell, she gets a job with a non-profit in Vail, takes up competitive mountain biking, starts dating the seemingly sterile cyclist Lance Armstrong and becomes astoundingly pregnant! Hooray!

But there is an evil character in this fairy tale - the sinister publicist who forced the vulnerable Hansen to take down her Facebook and Myspace profiles to the dismay of her many online friends. Booooo!!

In efforts to protect the multi-million dollar Armstrong brand, said publicist also apparently enacted a campaign of tight-lippedness regarding Hansen's pregnancy in an irrational hope the coming baby would stay secret from the media until after paternity was confirmed. The mystical cloud of fear was so potent that even a Westword reporter, who heard about the pregnancy several weeks ago, chose not to break the news in deference to sources. (The possession of this knowledge twisted the reporter into a Gollum-like creature who now dwells in cubicles and consumes only Sparks energy drinks.)

When CNN finally broke the news on Tuesday, the story exploded, emerging as a typical Lance Armstrong underdog tale of his sperm competing against overwhelming odds to win the Tour de Fetus. Meanwhile, Hansen's friends are forced to commiserate on Facebook without her. The moral of the story: social networking profiles are wonderful places for young people to waste enormous amounts of time and energy and should never be taken down ever. The end. - Jared Jacang Maher

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