Pumpkin-eating squirrels make for Halloween Shmucks of the Week

Keep Westword Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Denver and help keep the future of Westword free.

Some of them sneak up when you're not looking. Some are brazen enough to do it right in front of you. But all of them -- every squirrel -- eat pumpkins.

And I've had it.

It's bad enough that these varmints sit in their trees and yell at me while I'm in my backyard, run across my roof, incite birds into early-morning wake-up calls and steal grapes, strawberries and whatever else they can their, uh, hands on.

But eating my Halloween Jack-o-lanterns takes it all.

They don't pay the mortgage, they don't pay the rent. They don't even chip in with the cable bill, and yet they have no problem acting like they own the place.

A neighbor while I was growing up, who I'll call Mr. D, used to trap them and, according to neighborhood lore, gas them with car exhaust. To foil his plans, a friend and I used to free the squirrels, who we sympathized with, from his traps.

Now I understand Mr. D's pain.

So, to all you miserable squirrels out there, I hope the picture above serves as a lesson.

Watch your back.

For more shmucks, check out our Shmuck of the Week archive.

Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.


Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.