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And a good morning to you, too, assembled Chipotle executives! Please allow me to begin by thanking you for taking time out of your busy schedules to hear some of my ideas for your new marketing campaign. We at the What's So Funny? ad agency realize you have your choice of creative teams, and we'd like to thank you for considering us. I'm sorry, did I say What's So Funny? What I meant was, I'm just another college student and thus eligible for your Chipotle ad contest, in which college students can enter three twenty-second spots endorsing your product and possibly win $20,000. Yes sir, I'm a college student, all right. It's like, man, were those midterms hard or what? And it's not just that the exams were difficult, but we had to write our answers in those tiny blue books that we college kids use so often in college. After tests like that, I feel like going out and binge drinking. Yeah, that's the ticket -- binge drinking! Cool!

Anyhow, Chipotle executives, please let me place this small basket of fresh scones on the coffee table here and then let's get started, shall we? No, really, help yourself. I insist.

Okay, first ad: I call this one "Going the Extra Mile." Imagine this: late night, dark, we see a lone Chipotle employee locking the door of the restaurant from the inside. Her skin is beautiful and brown, like the juice of the barbacoa, and her features are sharp, but not jarringly so, the look of a proud Aztec muddled softly by the blood of conquistadors. At the exact moment she locks up, a man runs up to the door and gives it a pull, but it doesn't open. He mouths the words, "Are you guys closed?" and the Aztec princess nods her head, pointing to the clock on the wall. The man puts his hands together in a praying motion, as if to say pretty please open up, and the woman reluctantly does so, letting the man in and heading back behind the counter. As she turns from the door, though, a bare mocha back and a green thong, or tonga (as it is known in Spanish), lets the viewer see that this woman is wearing little more than her Chipotle apron. She takes the man's order, and his eyes are bulging out of his head because this Maria is full of grace, and she's kind of flirty in a slutty way, but not in the turn-you-off-too-slutty way, just the perfect-amount-slutty way. Finally the guy gets to the cheese, sour cream and guacamole portion of his order, and when he says that he would like all three, the woman informs him that there isn't any guacamole left and she will have to get some from the kitchen. She turns around, again revealing the tonga, and heads for the back, but stops midway and glances at the patron flirtatiously, gesturing with her head for him to follow. And follow he does. The two disappear around the corner and then the slogan comes up: "Chipotle: We Go That Extra Mile."


Chipotle ad contest

You see, Chipotle execs, by "extra mile," what I'm implying is that she fucks him. Right -- they're not actually getting guacamole. Because sex sells. Too racy? Yes, I already told you, take as many scones as you would like.

Try this one on for size: "Burritos Without Borders." We're at the Rio Grande, between the U.S. and Mexico, and it's like fucking Judgment Day. A huge barbed-wire fence is going up, thousands of trucks are hauling Mexicans back across the border, the military is there, mothers are getting separated from children, they're crying, dogs are barking, bulldozers are fortifying the wall, gunfire, it's horrible, and then we zoom in on two white guys with shotguns and cowboy hats and aviator shades, and they're laughing themselves sick, patting each other on the back. Then we cut to a Chipotle restaurant, and all of the workers are a bunch of white, pimply-faced teens, doing totally inept things, burning the beans, setting grease fires on the stove, etc. The two hicks are eating burritos, and when one of them picks up his burrito, the contents all spill out into his lap. The other manages to take a bite of his burrito, but then spits it out. "This burrito tastes like shit," he drawls. And then the slogan comes up: "Chipotle: Bet You're Sorry Now, You Intolerant Right-Wing Fucks."

Too political, you say? Well, what do you want from me? I'm an in-your-face kind of guy. You probably want some cheesy ad where it's like a huge communist revolution or something, with governments being overthrown and throngs of people waiting in a town square, expectant looks on their faces. Then you cut to a beautiful room inside a palace where two leaders are negotiating the terms of a truce, and one guy says, "So, it's agreed: You get the valley, free usage of the port and the date fields to the north." Then the other leader, the guy who's winning, looks at him, and his face says, "Aren't you leaving something out?" The dejected leader sighs and says, "And one Chipotle burrito," sliding the tinfoiled treat across the table. The winner unwraps the burrito, takes a bite, swallows and says, "I begrudgingly accept." Then cut to the shot of the same square from before, where they're now celebrating like crazy, and a huge statue is being toppled to the ground. You'd probably like something lame like that, wouldn't you? Wait, you do like it? Dude, I just totally whipped that off the top of my head! You want me to come back tomorrow to talk more about it? Absolutely. Thanks so much! This is awesome!

What's that? Yeah, no problem. I can leave the scones.

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