Environment

Scott Pruitt’s Seven Most Surprising Demands at the Western Conservative Summit

Might want to avoid any resemblance to Montgomery Burns there, Scott.
Might want to avoid any resemblance to Montgomery Burns there, Scott. The White House at Flickr
Embattled EPA administrator Scott Pruitt was in Denver this weekend for the Western Conservative Summit, where he proudly proclaimed that the EPA is no longer a “bastion of liberalism.” He also talked about creating “a new definition of waters” and said that God wants America to pursue freedom and liberty and first-class flights unimpeded by public opinion or criticism.

Although the weather was hot in Denver, it wasn't as hot as it has been in Washington, D.C., lately for Pruitt, with the Washington Post reporting on June 8 that he'd ordered his security detail to pick up his dry-cleaning and a favorite lotion. And that was on top of all the other outrageous expenditures he's made while in office. So, really, the Western Conservative Summit may have gotten off easy with his list of special requests during his time in the Mile High City. Here are the top seven:

click to enlarge Pruitt got the idea from Nick Fury in Captain America: Winter Soldier. - STEPHAN AT FLICKR
Pruitt got the idea from Nick Fury in Captain America: Winter Soldier.
Stephan at Flickr
7. A Really Big Suburban to Drive Him Around
Because in the Trump administration, comparing the sizes of things is just how business is done. Also, the vehicles have to have bulletproof seat covers, because one thing that Scott Pruitt has noticed is how extremely angry everyone always seems to be wherever Scott Pruitt goes.

click to enlarge Wow — that looks like enough for nearly a month's lodging at a tony condo in Washington D.C. - TENACIOUSME AT FLICKR
Wow — that looks like enough for nearly a month's lodging at a tony condo in Washington D.C.
tenaciousme at Flickr
6. A Room at the Four Seasons for $50 a Night
Which is completely and totally market value, as long as we’re talking about the market from 1983.

click to enlarge It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets no environmental protection again... - MARCO VERCH AT FLICKR
It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets no environmental protection again...
Marco Verch at Flickr
5. …but Bring Him Some of That Ritz-Carlton Lotion
Look, Scott has very sensitive skin. He can only be soothed in very specific ways, most of them having to do with power, money, and the sweet, sweet caress of public spending.

click to enlarge Granted, the used mattresses from here are far preferable to the ones from Moscow's Ritz-Carlton. - MARTIN ELY AT FLICKR
Granted, the used mattresses from here are far preferable to the ones from Moscow's Ritz-Carlton.
Martin Ely at Flickr
4. A Used Mattress From the Brown Palace
The Brown Palace is a legendary hotel in Denver, with a storied history and a reputation for luxury and comfort and mattresses the likes of which would please even the greediest and most insatiable government official. Wait — a bed made of solid gold wouldn’t be considered an over-the-top expenditure as long as the mattress was used, right? Okay. Just checking.

click to enlarge Scott Pruitt does not approve of any scrutiny, ursine or otherwise. - JEFF TURNER AT FLICKR
Scott Pruitt does not approve of any scrutiny, ursine or otherwise.
Jeff Turner at Flickr
3. A Blindfold for the Big Blue Bear
You know, so he couldn't peek into the Colorado Convention Center during the Western Conservative Summit. Pruitt couldn't be too careful, since he left his soundproof phone booth back in D.C., and that bear looks none too trustworthy.

click to enlarge Granted, the Pruitt casa may be less bonita. - KRIS GABBARD AT FLICKR
Granted, the Pruitt casa may be less bonita.
Kris Gabbard at Flickr
2. A Casa Bonita Franchise for His Wife
Pruitt and his wife, Marlyn, have been on the lookout for a “potential business opportunity” because they’re both entrepreneurs, and they’re going to have to do something to make money once this whole usury-of-American-government thing comes to an end. They can only sell fancy pens on eBay for so long before those run out, and that Chick-fil-A gambit didn't fly....

click to enlarge Also, those signs are going to be pretty expensive to replace. - MCCREADY AT FLICKR
Also, those signs are going to be pretty expensive to replace.
mccready at Flickr
1. To Change the EPA Acronym
“Extravagant Public Abuse” has a nice ring... 
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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen