Embattled EPA administrator Scott Pruitt was in Denver this weekend for the Western Conservative Summit
, where he proudly proclaimed that the EPA is no longer a “bastion of liberalism.” He also talked about creating “a new definition of waters” and said that God wants America to pursue freedom and liberty and first-class flights unimpeded by public opinion or criticism.
Although the weather was hot in Denver, it wasn't as hot as it has been in Washington, D.C., lately for Pruitt, with the Washington Post reporting on June 8 that he'd ordered his security detail
to pick up his dry-cleaning and a favorite lotion. And that was on top of all the other outrageous expenditures he's made while in office. So, really, the Western Conservative Summit may have gotten off easy with his list of special requests during his time in the Mile High City. Here are the top seven:
7. A Really Big Suburban to Drive Him Around
Pruitt got the idea from Nick Fury in Captain America: Winter Soldier.
Because in the Trump administration, comparing the sizes of things is just how business is done. Also, the vehicles have to have bulletproof seat covers, because one thing that Scott Pruitt has noticed is how extremely angry everyone always seems to be wherever Scott Pruitt goes.
6. A Room at the Four Seasons for $50 a Night
Wow — that looks like enough for nearly a month's lodging at a tony condo in Washington D.C.
Which is completely and totally market value, as long as we’re talking about the market from 1983.
5. …but Bring Him Some of That Ritz-Carlton Lotion
It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets no environmental protection again...
Look, Scott has very sensitive skin. He can only be soothed in very specific ways, most of them having to do with power, money, and the sweet, sweet caress of public spending.
4. A Used Mattress From the Brown Palace
Granted, the used mattresses from here are far preferable to the ones from Moscow's Ritz-Carlton.
The Brown Palace is a legendary hotel in Denver, with a storied history and a reputation for luxury and comfort and mattresses the likes of which would please even the greediest and most insatiable government official. Wait — a bed made of solid gold wouldn’t be considered an over-the-top expenditure as long as the mattress was used, right? Okay. Just checking.
3. A Blindfold for the Big Blue Bear
Scott Pruitt does not approve of any scrutiny, ursine or otherwise.
You know, so he couldn't peek into the Colorado Convention Center during the Western Conservative Summit. Pruitt couldn't be too careful, since he left his soundproof phone booth back in D.C., and that bear looks none too trustworthy.
2. A Casa Bonita Franchise for His Wife
Granted, the Pruitt casa may be less bonita.
Pruitt and his wife, Marlyn, have been on the lookout for a “potential business opportunity” because they’re both entrepreneurs, and they’re going to have to do something to make money once this whole usury-of-American-government thing comes to an end. They can only sell fancy pens on eBay for so long before those run out, and that Chick-fil-A gambit
1. To Change the EPA Acronym
Also, those signs are going to be pretty expensive to replace.
“Extravagant Public Abuse” has a nice ring...