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Screw the abortion debate: Here's why a personhood amendment could mean armageddon

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Personhood USA, a national pro-life group, is gathering signatures in Colorado (again) to secure a spot on the ballot for a voter initiative to redefine the start of a person's life as the first point of biological development.

Weird, right? You have no idea.

Most people think abortion rights established by Roe v. Wade is the greatest thing at stake if the amendment makes the grade. But this effort jeopardizes far more than that: It actually threatens to alter time and space as we think we know it. We could very well be spiraling toward the apocalypse.

What the religious folk scouring the streets for your signature don't realize is they're toying with a force far greater than any divisive abortion debate. They are, in fact, working to set forth a series of events that will alter the course of human history.

Seriously, think about it.

If the law defines a person as such at the time of biological development, that means mommy, just like the guys in those new Old Spice ads say, is "more than one thing." She's two things -- two people to be exact. Which means that when she finally gives birth, the other thing -- ahem, person -- will be nine-months old.

And therein lies society's impending doom. If we're all nine months old at the time of birth, everything from our driver's licenses to our drinking laws to our elections will be altered. We will be nine months older, though our technical birth days will remain the same.

This measure, starting with uprooting our entire bureaucratic infrastructure (and especially the executive branch), could cause a butterfly effect, the results of which cannot even be fathomed. But hey, some Coloradans might be able to legally drink sooner, if you're into the whole levity thing.

In this brave new world, the unborn traveling abroad must first get passports (the high definition fetus picture-taking industry is really gonna boom), half of your kid's class will be moved up a grade, early retirement could be even earlier, and children can emancipate sooner. There will be anarchy in the streets!

Will an expecting couple now have to buy an extra movie ticket? Can a pregnant mother now use two one-customer-per-day coupons at the grocery mart? And what does this mean for airline tickets and HOV lanes? The possibilities are endless, especially if twins, triplets, etc., are added to the mix.

And then there's the 2010 Census. At the very same time Personhood USA volunteers are canvasing, the census workers blocks away might want to stop writing in pen. Think of the overlooked persons.

And what if we look at the potential repercussions retroactively? For example, I and millions of others were just nine months short of being able to vote in the 2004 presidential election. In this bizarre alter-universe, many of the younger ideologues disaffected by the George W. Bush doctrine who voted Democratic in 2008 could have done so sooner, and Senator John Kerry might have been elected president. In that situation, would President Barack Obama have been known as nothing more than that smooth talker from Illinois?

It's exhausting just thinking about the possibilities. All things considered, this ballot initiative could very well send us tap dancing on the proverbial land mine. Whether or not you are pro-life, pro-choice, anti-life, anti-choice or however you wish to frame it, think of the future. Not to be anti-progressive, but for the sake of the fabric of time and future generations, maybe unborn children should stay non-people.

If this sounds crazy, maybe that's because it is. Still, person to person, a person may be a person no matter how small. This depends, of course, on which classical theorist, religion or Dr. Seuss book you follow. But maybe if we're going to take on the abortion issue, it's best to not go in through the semantic back door.

It's just an idea for, you know, the future of all humankind.

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