Terry Nichols, who was convicted in the Denver-based Oklahoma City bombing trial and sentenced to life in prison at Colorado's supermax facility, has a lot of time on his hands -- and he's been filling it for much of 2009 with legal filings in which he complains about the food he's forced to consume. Earlier this week, he requested a court-appointed lawyer to help him with a lawsuit about the grub. The suit was originally filed in February, with TheSmokingGun.com posting his handwritten appeal in April -- and a bizarre document it is. Nichols goes into detail about the "chronic constipation, bleeding, hemorrhoids, along with pain and suffering" with which he's been afflicted for three decades -- and he blames the prison's use of refined grains for exacerbating these issues. He writes: "Plaintiff is compelled to consume daily these unhealthy dead and refined foods that are abhorrent to Plaintiff's sincerely held religious beliefs, causing him physical, mental and spiritual torment, and to sin against God."
Does he mean masturbation? Or an embarrassing lust for Hostess Cupcakes? Hard to say -- but the rest of his argument is on view below.