It's no surprise that Westboro Baptist Church is up to its usual well-publicized and well-hated shenanigans, but members of the "God Hates F*gs!" gang have gone and done it now -- they pissed off a group of New York City Satanists (a group you really don't wanna piss off) by threatening to picket the funerals of Boston Marathon bombing victims. So last weekend the enraged Satanists decided to do Fred Phelps's dead mother a solid, and ceremoniously turned her into a homosexual. That put the score at Satanists 1, WBC 0. But this is far from the first time that the church has been completely owned, and hopefully it won't be the last.
Here's out list of the top five times that members of Westboro Baptist Church got theirs -- no need to turn the other cheek.
5. Hackers on the hook
After WBC members proclaimed they would picket funerals of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting victims in 2012, a group of hacktivists appropriately named "Anonymous" hit the WBC right in the hard drive by crashing the holy hell out of Westboro's website, GodHatesFags.com, with a distributed denial of service (DDOS) attack (which in non-hacker terms means "your sh*t don't work -- mortgage your house and call Geek Squad). The unrepentant hackers stated that they will keep it up "until they are forced to put their inbred church tithes to use to pay for bandwidth." The same hackers also released a WBC member list, including personal contact information, and that move was certainly a violation of the church members' privacy.
But since picketing peoples' funerals is a particularly heinous violation of privacy, it's challenging to find anyone outside of the Westboro Baptist Church who cares.
4. The motherf*cking Patriot Guard Riders
Everyone knows from the movies -- or real life if you are unlucky or stupid -- that screwing with a bunch of bikers is a bad idea. The Patriot Guard Riders (PGR) is an organization of motorcycle riders that attends funerals of police, firefighters and members of the armed forces, with permission; greets troops returning home; does volunteer work and helps protect grieving family members and friends at funerals that the WBC targets for protests. The PGR folks volunteer to put themselves, their bikes and their big, waving American flags between the funeral-goers and the WBC, shielding the funeral guests and drowning out the hateful bleating of the Westboros with patriotic songs -- and revving engines.
The PGR deserves some sort of award for "Most Amazing and Frequent Ownage of Westboro Baptist Church," preferably in trophy form: a statuette with a motorcycle running over a likeness of WBC's PR person, Shirley Phelps-Roper, Fred's disgusting daughter.
3. The Fighters showed them Foos
The Foo Fighters gave the Westboro Baptist nutters a helluva pre-show in 2011 in Kansas City, when the WBC decided it would be a fun time to protest a Foo concert. The band showed up at the pre-concert protest, in the back of a rig truck, dressed in homoerotic hillbilly garb and staged an impromptu performance of their pseudo-country song "Keep It Clean (Hot Buns)." Lyrics including "Driving all night, got a hankering for something/Think I'm in the mood for some hot-man muffins/Mmmm, sounds so fine, yes indeed" drowned out whatever hate-filled crap the Westboros were spewing, and Dave Grohl gave a speech during the song's interlude about gay being okay, ending with "God bless America!"
The WBC is now taking issue with Taylor Swift, since her music is so filthy, tawdry and filled with curse words, sex and violence. Not.
2. The Sodomobile
Michael Moore versus the Westboro Baptist Church is such a sumptuous brain-feast of an idea that it should have been a pay-per-view match, and in 1999 Moore organized a homophobia protest for his old show The Awful Truth, inspired by the tragic murder of Matthew Shepard in 1998. He toured the country -- specifically states with antiquated anti-sodomy laws still on the books -- n a pink bus filled with raucous gay men and women named "The Sodomobile," and made a pit stop at the Westboro Baptist Church's compound. Moore introduced Fred Phelps to the Sodomobile, which sent Phelps scuttling back to the safety of his family funny farm -- quickly.
But for a guy who wears a cowboy hat and spends more time thinking about f*ggy stuff than most f*gs, it's possible that if there hadn't been cameras present, he might have hopped in the van and taken a ride.
1. The Satanic Temple turns Fred Phelps's dead mother gay
You know those stories you read in your Facebook feed, figuring that they are from The Onion, then they turn out to be real -- and you are thrilled that they are? The friendly and magnanimous folks in the New York-based Satanic Temple took a road trip on Sunday, July 14 to a Mississippi cemetery, found Fred Phelps's mother's gravesite and held a "Pink Mass" ceremony to celebrate same-sex unions, and posthumously anointed Granny Phelps a homosexual.
Satanic Temple spokesperson Lucien Greaves officiated at the ceremony, while two same-sex couples celebrated their homosexuality at the gravesite -- some snogging was involved -- and Greaves stated, "The Satanic Temple now believes that Fred Phelps must believe that his mother is now gay, in the afterlife, due to our Pink Mass... And nobody can challenge our right to our beliefs."
Photos of the Pink Mass are publicly available on the new Satanic Temple-operated website, westboro-baptists.com, and the Satanic Temple encourages other same-sex couples to post their own photos from similar road trips to the Mississippi cemetery.
Your move, WBC. From our archives: "Top 8 Westboro Baptist Church insults against Colorado."
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