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Top ten things to do with your ballot privacy sleeve

Oh, sheet.

Now that the election is over, there's no need for that ballot privacy sleeve many of us carried with us as we exited our polling place yesterday. But simply tossing it isn't an option -- not for an environmentally committed voter, anyhow. So what to do with it? Here are ten options:

10. If your candidate lost, make it into a dunce cap and give it to that smug bastard in the office across the hall, who can't wipe the smile off his face. 9. If your candidate won, use it to hide the smile you can't wipe off your face. 8. If your candidate lost, tear it into tiny pieces and throw them in the face of that smug bastard in the office across the hall. 7. If your candidate won, tear it into tiny pieces and throw it in the air like confetti -- preferably in full view of that not-so-smug bastard in the office across the hall. 6. Roll it into a tube and shout through it at anyone who didn't bother voting at all. 5. Wad it into a ball, find the nearest trashcan and try to duplicate Barack Obama's three-point shooting prowess. 4. Fold it into an airplane and simulate pilot John McCain's crash during the Vietnam war. 3. Write a list on it of all the robo-calls you won't be getting for at least the next couple of years. 2. Cut out paper dolls of all the candidates holding hands, as if they don't actually loathe each other. 1. Flatten it out and use it as a map of Colorado. The color blue is surprisingly appropriate. -- Michael Roberts

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Michael Roberts has written for Westword since October 1990, serving stints as music editor and media columnist. He currently covers everything from breaking news and politics to sports and stories that defy categorization.
Contact: Michael Roberts