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Two Headed Turtle, September 28

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Here's a brief look at some of the items Americans are desperate to learn about today:

Two Headed Turtle A rare, two-headed turtle is the star attraction at a Pennsylvania aquarium store. If P.T. Barnum were alive today, he would be running a website about shit like this and coining sayings about how there’s a sucker searching the web every fifteen nanoseconds.

Ryan Adams There’s something about Minnesota and Ryan Adams. After a notorious drunken trainwreck of a show there in 2003, he performed a sort of dumbass encore last night when he flipped out about sound problems and left the stage suddenly, refusing an encore. Adams may be drug and booze free these days, but he still sounds like a drip (see Michael Roberts's "Ryan Adams Is Prolific as Ever," August 2 and our expanded web coverage of the interview here) and acts like a jerk.

Whateverlife The 17-year-old geek wunderkind founder of whateverlife.com, a site that provides ways for MySpacers to spruce up their profiles, has turned a hefty profit on her initial investment of a few bucks to register the domain. The lesson? School is for losers. Drop out today and spend that time figuring out a way to turn an obscene profit on the Internet. Or, like, whatever.

Double D Kennels Michael Vick’s spiritual successor is breeding steroid-enhanced dogs, presumably for fighting. I have a suggestion for an appropriate punishment for the special kind of idiots involved in dog fighting: let them fight their own dogs, all of them at once, barehanded. If they win, they go free. If they get eaten, well… it’s a dog-eat-dumbfuck world sometimes.

Xenu Star magazine is reporting that Tom Cruise is building a $10 million bunker on his Telluride property to ride out the impending invasion of the space lord Xenu. His spokesperson vehemently denies the allegation. Xenu could not be reached for comment, but his spokesthetan says no invasion is impending, and besides, Scientologists are all bugfuck crazy, anyway. – Cory Casciato

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